


weathering with you

by Daisme_26



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Late Night Conversations, Lots of Cuddling, M/M, Night Terrors, Self-Discovery, lots of talking, no beta we die like men, or maybe not, this is less heavy than it looks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24726115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisme_26/pseuds/Daisme_26
Summary: Who would’ve thought that a gloomy and rainy weather was the perfect atmosphere to confess your feelings? No one, not a single soul thought that, specially not Kai.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai, Choi Yeonjun/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 26
Kudos: 135





	1. it would be easy

**Author's Note:**

> ok, so, holy moly, this is my first fic in years and honestly i'm so excited and touch starved and in need of fluff, so i wrote this for myself, hope somebody else enjoys it as much as i did!

Kai wakes up at the sound of thunder.

Heavy raindrops are falling down from the sky and onto the city that lies behind the only window inside his shared bedroom. He looks around rubbing the sleep away from his still tired eyes and checks the hour on the clock on their nightstand. It's 6 am. He makes a little frown at the time and growls internally as he stretches his whole body in an attempt to wake up his sleeping muscles, which still ache from yesterday's practice, and finally gets up to face the day ahead of him and the members.

The sound of roaring thunder hasn't stopped coming from outside even as he steps out of the shower now fully awake. That storm will really be bothersome for working, but whatever, it's just water. Outside of the bathroom he crosses paths with Taehyun who has his own set of clothes in hand along with a towel.

"Up already? I didn't think you had it in you to wake before 9" Taehyun goes past him and into the bathroom with a tiny smile on his face, pleased to tease Kai so early in the morning. Kai only fakes a laugh at the comment and goes straight to the kitchen ready to have some breakfast.

He's met with two familiar faces, Yeonjun is in front of the stove cooking up what seems to be some meat as well as ramyun. Beomgyu is helping by heating up the rice on the microwave, smile on his face when he turns around and catches sight of Kai.

"Morning" Beomgyu greets Kai as he seats on the stool next to him and rests his head on Kai's shoulder with a pleased sound "Mm, you smell like strawberries" He nuzzled his nose onto the younger's hair and Kai only laughs pushing his clingy hyung aside.

"I showered, you should try it hyung" Kai teased earning a scoff and a not-so-gentle hit on the side of his arm.

"I'm not getting anywhere near water until this storm stops, it's way too cold"

"Eww, are you serious?" Kai made a grimace at the mere thought

"Yeah, or I might just rub myself on you until the dirt goes away, like a wet tissue!" Beomgyu chirped and started laughing loudly at Kai's face of pure disgust.

"It's too early to hear you two bickering, seriously, I feel like I'm living with kids" Yeonjun faked annoyance as he turned his face from the stove and placed their breakfast on the kitchen isle, getting plates and glasses out of the cabinets.

"Oh yeah? Then to which one of us _kids,_ does that pretty mug with a duckling belongs to?" Beomgyu asked mischievously leaning his head on his hand

"Shut up" Was the lazy response of the older which only made Kai and Beomgyu break into a fit of laughter.

Taehyun appeared then with the towel around his neck still drying some spots on his damp head as Yeonjun finished setting everything up in the aisle, still trying to win his dignity back from his youngest members, who didn't let go of the matter until everyone sat down and started eating in a peaceful silence, only broken by the sound of metal chopsticks and slurping of the noodles.

"Where's Soobin?" Yeonjun asked Beomgyu when all of them were about to finish with their plates

"Probably still asleep, I'll go wake him up or else he won't have any breakfast before we leave"

"I'll do it, I'm done anyways" Kai spoke through a mouthful of rice and stood up picking his dishes and throwing them in the sink

He left the kitchen and made a beeline for Beomgyu and Soobin's room at the end of the hallway. Kai knocked slightly on the door, only to announce his presence in case Soobin was already awake, but when he turned the handle, he was met with the tall yet slim figure of their leader on his bed still sound asleep. Kai entered the room closing the door behind him as quietly as possible and was quickly kneeling down beside Soobin's bed.

The little pout on his barely open mouth, his messy purple hair pointing all sorts of directions, the steady rise and fall of his chest, and just about _everything_ on Soobin's sleeping form made for quite a sight. _A cute one_ , Kai thought but quickly brushed the thought away, feeling a familiar type of heat resting on his cheeks and ears.

To say that Kai, possibly, _maybe_ , loved Soobin in more than a friendly way, was kind of true. Kind of. Because, for all that Kai knew, this might as well have been a harmless and small crush that appeared because of his closeness to the leader since the beginning of his trainee days. It was actually thrilling for him when he found out that he could feel this fuzzy feeling towards boys as much as he felt it for girls. Well, more like towards _one_ particular boy. But he didn't like to delve to much on that unless he wanted to get a headache in the middle of the night.

Kai shook his head a little to get out of his head and do what he was here for in the first place.

He was just about to lightly tap on Soobin's shoulder to move him until the latter gained consciousness when the sudden movement of something jumping stopped him right in his tracks. Kai was alarmed to find out that the motion had come from Soobin, who was now making a grimace and mumbling incoherent words in his sleep. He was having a nightmare.

This was no news to Kai. He knew that Soobin had a tendency of having nightmares during stressing times, mostly around comeback dates or promotions, and _those_ first times the members noticed about the night terrors of their leader, was because of the screaming that woke them up at ungodly hours.

As time went by, it wasn't becoming any worse but neither any better, and it sure as hell still hurt the others to see Soobin like that without really being able to do something, aside from being there for him.

The jolting in the bed became more and more vigorous as well as the muffled pleadings were now being replaced by coherent words.

" _Don't go_ …don't leave me. P-please don't hurt me" Soobin started crying in his dreams and Kai realized there was a familiar sting behind his own lids as well because of unshed tears. It was painful to see him like that.

Kai slowly grabbed Soobin's hand careful not to startle him more and got closer to whisper sweet things into the other's ear.

"I'm here Soobinie, you're alright, no one's gonna hurt you. It's just me" Kai let the words slip like honey seeing as how a familiar voice could calm the other even in such a state. Slowly but surely, after repeating the same words over and over again like a mantra, the jostling stopped and so did the silent prayers. Soobin slowly opened his eyes, getting used to the dim light in the room given that the storm still going outside blocked any sunlight from coming in, only giving a dull grey color to the otherwise white walls.

Kai sighed and waited until Soobin was aware of his surroundings making sure that, indeed, no one was there to hurt him.

"Huening?" Soobin turned around to face Kai and the relief that washed his face made even the younger feel better.

"It’s me, you had a night-" Kai tried explaining but was cut off when a body collided against his almost making him fall backwards. Soobin hugged him tight burying his head in Kai's neck, breathing him in and already making a mess of his shirt with lots of tears that wouldn't stop coming.

Kai was kind of flustered at first because of the sudden and raw sign of affection, but quickly gathered himself and maneuvered his and Soobin's body, who was still clinging onto him for dear life, onto the bed again so that they were both laying down. They were face to face, but Soobin still looked at him with teary eyes, hiding his sobs as best as he could and sniffing all the while. Just how bad was this particular nightmare?

Kai knew the pained look he himself was carrying. He was worried for his leader, for Soobin, _his Soobin_ , who was suffering all alone inside that pretty little head of his. The younger scooted closer to the other's side and Soobin didn't even wait before throwing himself at Kai once again, hiding his face in his friends chest and letting every remnant of his night terror pour out of him in the form of salty droplets of water, pretty similar to the one’s falling from the sky.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kai asked into the crown of Soobin's head as he kissed it with love and affection, his free hand roaming the messy locks of purple.

"You left me" Soobin's broken voice was muffled since he was still pressing his face hard on Kai's chest, so much that he was able to hear a heartbeat.

"No, I didn't" Kai reasoned

"Yeah, you did" Soobin started crying louder again "Because I did something stupid, because I broke your trust and the way you looked at m-me. Oh my god, you were so disappointed-"

"Soobinie, it was just a _dream_ " Kai pressed "I would never leave you, we're gums, remember? You don't get rid of gum that easily, like when it gets stuck on your shoe? You bet your ass that it ain't going anywhere! Not even with Coke, I've tried"

Soobin couldn't help the laughter leaving his lips shaking both him and Kai with the trembling from his chest. This was good, if Soobin could still laugh at his lame antics, then he would be fine.

Soobin retreated from Kai's chest and looked at the youngest with such a fond look that melt him right in the spot. There was still some hurt in his eyes, which made Kai kind of sad, because even if it had been a dream, what had he done to get Soobin to think of him like that? Like he would just _leave_.

Thankfully, before he was about to sulk in and overthink the situation, Soobin lifted his hand between them. It was fisted, with only his pinky sticking out.

"Don't take what I'm about to say as a way of saying that I don't trust you, because _I do_. But I just, I still need to…" Soobin trailed off as if trying to find the right words, but he didn't need to because Kai could already read him like an open book, and so he locked his own pinky with the one being offered in front of him.

"I'm not leaving, ever" Kai promised looking straight into Soobin's eyes

He was caught off guard when Soobin leaned forward between them, his heart for sure skipped a beat at the thought of soft plush lips against his. But of course, that didn't happen. Instead, the softness was placed on his forehead, and a wave of heat quickly washed over Kai, who closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of _closeness_. The outside world was tuned out whenever it was just the two of them like this. Sharing each other.

But the outside certainly didn't tuned _them_ out. They had work and a schedule to attend to, and neither his manager nor dance teacher liked for them to show up late for it.

With a grunt, Kai tried to get up from the bed feeling kind of fuzzy and lightheaded, but as he pulled the covers away and turned around, an arm was instantly draping around his waist pinning him down again and bringing his back close to Soobin's chest and ok; Kai could handle cuddling, mostly because he was always the one initiating it, but he wasn't that acquainted with _spooning_ , which is was Soobin was doing just now. If his cheeks weren't burning before, they certainly were now along with his ears and even his nape, where he could feel the other breathing and _nuzzling_ at the spot.

"You smell like strawberries" Came Soobin's pleased and mellow voice, and that was it, Kai was out.

His eyes fluttered closed and he put his own hands above Soobin's, intertwining their fingers receiving a small 'hm' as a response for his action. Was this still platonic contact? He didn't know nor did he care as his head was filled with cotton and _Soobin, Soobin, Soobin_.

God, he was so in-

"Guys! Come out! I got a call from PD-Nim!" Yeonjun yelled from behind the door after knocking loudly and leaving, judging from the muffled steps that were getting farther away, like he hadn't just barged into something private.

But had he? This was just the two closest members of their team being their usual clingy selves. Nothing outside of pure friendly love. And that made Kai's heart ache.

He forced himself out of Soobin's grip and went straight for the door not waiting for his _leader_ and joining the others in the living room, already gathered in the couch with Yeonjun's phone in the middle over the wooden table. Soobin followed suit leaving the room with a blanket draped over him sitting beside Kai on the couch like nothing had happened. ‘ _Because it actually didn't’_ , his brain reminded him.

Whatever, he'll deal with this later.

"We're all here Bang PD-Nim, what is it?" Soobin's voice came to let their boss know that they were listening

_"Ah, good to hear that, have you boys seen the news?"_ The poor signal made the voice from the phone break up, but it was still manageable to understand.

"No, why?" Taehyun said as he grabbed the remote from the table next to the couch and turned the TV right away. He didn't even need to change the channel since there was the same announcement in every single one of them.

“…A typhoon has entered the atmosphere and is now covering all of Seoul along with the following cities-“ the voice from the lady in the tv said as a 3D map of Seoul appeared showing how the natural phenomenon would last for almost a week and that it was coming in strong, so people had to take their precautions. The storms would most likely turn into electric ones and so it was forbidden to go out, only if necessary, for everyone's safety.

_"As you can see, the weather has gone a bit crazy, so naturally, we've decided to cancel all activities for the week. We'll reschedule next week if everything goes back to normal, but for now, stay safe and don't leave the dorm"_

_"Your manager will stop by later with provisions for the week, so, enjoy your impromptu vacations!"_

The man hung up only after the members said thank you and bid a goodbye to their boss, only to scream in joy as the call ended. A short break once in a while was like waking up to your mother telling you to stay home because it was too cold outside and so you didn’t have to attend school.

"Ok guys, seems like we have some vacations!" Yeonjun chirped way to excited. However, his frantic movements were interrupted when a thunder resounded in the outside making even the windows shake because of the sound.

"Yeah, but at what cost?" Beomgyu said dramatically putting a hand over his forehead

The others laughed and so did Soobin, who causally leaned into Kai's shoulder linking their arms together making the youngest heart beat way too fast. _Again._

Kai sighed internally; this was going to be a long week.


	2. had it not been for your warm gaze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my my my you're in for a bit of a ride, sweet jesus take the wheel.

After merely half an hour late, their manager arrived with two loaded bags that contained the essentials, which consisted of many variants of frozen meat, lots of ramyun packages and about three cartoons of grape, apple, and orange juice, respectively. Many other items were there and only when their manager checked on them, making sure there wasn’t anything else that the boys might’ve need, he left.

“Are you guys up for a movie? I really don’t think there’s much else to do while we’re all stuck up here” Beomgyu suggested as him and the others were putting the groceries away in either the fridge or the cupboard.

“Sure, I’ll make us some popcorn just pick a good one” Yeonjun spoke with his head still inside the freezer.

Kai, who had taken a seat in one of the stools, gleamed at the prospect of being able to enjoy a movie with his members. It was getting more difficult to get some actual free time, no cameras in sight, as their career advanced, and while they were happy to have things to do and record, he still missed the moments were he was able to be just with his best friends doing normal teenage stuff. At least to some extent.

“Do you want some grape juice Huening?” Soobin asked already pulling Kai’s favorite mug out of the cabinet, said mug had been a present from the elder, and Kai had been delighted to see that many tiny versions of Molang adorned the outside of the porcelain piece.

“You know I always do” Kai smiled cutely towards Soobin earning a fond look. He swallowed the little sigh that was about to escape his lips. God was he whipped.

Soobin filled the cup and passed to Kai, who took it way to contently and almost chugged the whole thing down in a few drinks, but was stopped when a hand pressed down on the cup to take it away from his lips.

“Ah hyung, why don’t you fill your own cup?” Kai’s sentenced died a little by the end when he noticed Soobin drinking from _his_ cup on the _exact_ same spot he had drank just a few moments ago.

“Let’s not waste anymore dishes” Was Soobin’s response as he put the mug in front of Kai again and ruffle his hair before exiting the kitchen to meet Beomgyu in the living room, leaving a very confused Kai staring incredulously at the empty mug.

And Kai wasn’t blind nor naïve, because he knew that this would be, in other circumstances, considered an _indirect_ kiss. But he was quick to whip that thought away because maybe it had been just a coincidence or one of Soobin’s attempts at teasing him by drinking from his favorite mug. Well, it had to be that, _right_?

He decided to go with the latter, which made much more sense, and got up only to face Taehyun’s doe like eyes scanning him intently. Kai froze, he didn’t notice his roommate had been here the whole time. Kai expected some type of witty comment or even a disgusted sound at his friend’s skin ship, but none of those came. Taehyun only looked away from Kai with a questioning look, probably because of the face of nervousness that Kai was portraying and exited the kitchen himself with a few snacks in hand.

He was overthinking everything since the morning, maybe it wasn’t a particular good day for his brain due to the lack of sleeping hours he had gotten. He made a mental note to head to bed early tonight, thank god he could wake up at whatever hour tomorrow.

Kai refilled his mug and grabbed some cookies from the cabinet for him and went straight to the living room where it was already a mess of pillows and blankets, courtesy of Yeonjun and Beomgyu; but all of it made for a pretty cozy sight, much like when they had to share a room together and this type of mess was what they would wake up to everyday.

He smiled at the memory and approached his members all splayed in front of the TV. Soobin was laying down on the couch while Yeonjun and Taehyun stayed seated on the floor, Beomgyu had taken possession of the puff and seemed to be the happiest with lots of blankets draped over him and even a few of Kai’s plushies by his sides.

“Are you comfortable Hyung?” Kai asked Beomgyu while the other turned himself into an even smaller ball to fit his whole body better in the big cushion

“Like you’ll never be” Beomgyu smiled looking cute since now only his head was out of his made-up cocoon

Kai only smiled back leaving his mug on the wooden table already taking a seat next to Yeonjun on the floor when he caught Soobin pouting at him. _Cute_.

“What is it?”

“I want you to lay down with me”

And who was Kai to deny Soobin of that request when he asked so shyly. The younger couldn't hide his grin and proceeded to lay down next to Soobin, who covered them both with a blanket when they were comfortable enough, and if Beomgyu had said that he was the most comfortable out of all of them, he certainly hadn't experienced cuddling next to someone you deeply care about and just being able to feel their warmth under the covers. It was perfect.

Taehyun pressed play on the movie and Yeonjun grunted as soon as he saw the title.

"Beomgyu what the heck? I told you to pick a good one, not this!" Yeonjun pointed at the TV exasperatedly shooting daggers at Beomgyu laughing from his cocoon.

"It's a good on, I promise! Plus, it fits the weather" Beomgyu retorted and on cue, a lighting stroke in the distance illuminating the room for a brief moment before a roaring thunder was heard.

"Fine, but this better make me ball my eyes out"

Nothing more was said and so the movie started. From the first look Kai could tell it was a romantic one which would most likely end with a happy ending for the two protagonists. Contrary to Yeonjun, he actually liked these movies. Just everything about the process of falling in love, the struggles that one can face and getting through all of those because they both know they belong together and so nothing is stronger than their love? It was absolutely Kai's cup of tea because he was like that, in love with the idea of _love_.

However, he knew that given the state of his life as of right now, it would probably take quite a while before he could find that special someone, but he was excited to even think about it. And deep down he knew that he wished a _certain_ person to be the one to swept him off his feet. But those were mere fantasies, nothing more.

"Gimme one" Soobin spoke softly into his hair sending a small shiver down Kai's spine.

He took just a second before realizing that Soobin had meant the cookies in his hand and so he handed him one, not expecting the other to eat the whole thing in a big bite filling his cheeks as he munched on the treat. He looked like a hamster, and Kai chuckled a bit at the sight.

He turned back around to keep watching the movie, a moment later Soobin reached over Kai's body with his arm to grab another cookie, and then another. Kai was about to hand him the bag the next time he saw Soobin reaching out, but the other didn't grab any more treats and just let his arm rest over Kai's waist, barely embracing the younger to bring him a bit closer.

Kai felt the familiar heat rising up to his face, scooting backwards so that both could snuggle even closer. He could feel Soobin's smile forming in the back of his head, fully hugging Kai now.

And because the way their bodies just _matched_ against each other, Kai felt a lot like being complete not even knowing he had been missing something up until now.

By that moment, the movie reached the point where both protagonists confessed their love for each other and shared a deep kiss full of emotion. Kai liked to see the others faces whenever a kiss scene appeared on screen, it was actually amusing to find out that most of the time all of them would sigh and look almost longingly at the couple that was being displayed. Maybe he wasn't the only hopeless romantic after all.

However, this time he couldn't quite see the others faces given the seating or, in his case, lying positions that only allowed for a view of the back of their heads. What he did saw from his peripheral was how Taehyun slowly rested his head on Yeonjun's shoulder and the other responded by leaning his own head on top and even going as far as to _try_ and put his arm around Taehyun's shoulders, but in the end opted for not doing it dropping his arm back on the floor.

_'Hum'_. That was rather…interesting.

"Do you think we'll ever be able to love like that?" Beomgyu's strained voice came startling them all and bringing Kai out of his headspace. After all these years, it wasn't hard to tell when one of them was on the verge of crying, and Beomgyu certainly had sounded like it.

"Of course we will Gyu, why would you ask?" Yeonjun paused the movie for a while as all of the attention was directed towards the curled-up figure in the puff. Only Beomgyu’s eyes and top of his head were visible now.

"It's just…I don't think _our_ world is that accepting of relationships. We belong to them after all"

Silence followed after that because the heavy meaning behind those few words was nothing but the raw reality. They all knew it.

They were public figures, _personas_ build up perfectly to please the eyes and minds of fans. They knew it the moment the contract was signed, because after all, some sacrifices had to be done in order to achieve your dreams. Most of the time it was alright, because their fans were nothing but supportive and loving, at least for now.

But what happens after a few years? When they all will have the need and want to meet people and maybe stay with them, like in a serious relationship and not the other thing that they have all heard of. Lovers were a big no for all of them, or so they thought.

They were so young and still had been forced to learn all of this because the world outside, especially for them, was anything but gentle if you didn't behave the way everyone else wanted you to.

Of course, not everything was bad, there were a few couples out there in the industry who seemed relatively happy and content and even were accepted with much love and support. Then again, there were others who had even wrote letters to their fans _apologizing_ for feeling romantic love towards someone that wasn't them.

If Kai thought too much about it, he would easily get sick. And suddenly he was reminded of the warmth behind him, the arm embracing him, the dimpled smile, and fond looks.

He wasn't allowed to feel this way.

"They don't own you Beomgyu. They don't own none of us" Taehyun cut through the thick atmosphere that had formed around them. Apparently, everyone had been lost in their own minds.

"But-"

"No fucking but's. We're artists, not dolls" Was the final statement before Taehyun pressed play on the movie once again.

Kai was left awfully dumbfounded. It was rare to hear Taehyun swear outside of personal banter between the five of them, but apparently this particular topic had stroke a nerve within him and they all seemed to notice for no other response came, all going back to immersing themselves into the movie. Well, all except for one.

Soobin, after hearing the small yet strong conversation, had slowly removed his arm from Kai's body and accommodated himself better, not so close to Kai as before. There was barely any distance between them, yet it felt like miles.

_Ouch_

Immediately, Kai felt an emptiness in his chest that had never been there before, and he didn't like when he recognized the cause of it straight away. 

***

"Fuck this, fuck love, and especially fuck you too" Yeonjun quickly stood up, furiously rubbing at his eyes and directing his last insult to a laughing yet teary Beomgyu who had, finally, got out of his cocoon.

"It made your eyes ball out didn't it? I told you this movie was no joke!" Beomgyu got up and let a squeal out as he evaded the cushion that Yeonjun had thrown at him

" _Yes_ but I expected to cry because of heartbreak or something, not to her father dying!"

Beomgyu only laughed harder at the elder given that he hadn't stopped crying and had such a childish pout on his lips that could've stripped Kai from his position as the youngest. Taehyun got up as well from the floor stretching his body and cracking a few bones before starting to clean up their mess.

Kai was already getting up as well to lend a hand until he heard a sniff from behind him and turned around only to find Soobin carefully cleaning some stray tears on his cheeks trying to mask the fact that he was crying.

"You too?" Kai said with a smile tugging at the end of his lips at the sight of Soobin's puffy eyes and lips.

"Shut up, it was actually sad" Soobin left the couch picking up the blankets from the floor and plushies on the puff.

Kai only looked at him fondly even though the other couldn't see him and instantly felt the familiar sting from earlier making its apparition again. _'Stop it'_ a little voice provided in the back of his mind and he was quick to look away from his friend.

This wasn't going to be easy.

After Yeonjun stopped bickering with Beomgyu about how the latter should've given him a heads up on the major character death, they helped to rearrange the living room to its decent state before each went to their respective bedrooms. It was still noon and apparently the unanimous, yet unspoken decision, was to laze around the dorm before actually heading to bed.

But Kai couldn't just laze around, his mind was busy trying to get a grip around their conversation earlier. As soon as he touched his bed, he put his earbuds on and decided that listening to some of his favorite music might help clear his thoughts.

He wasn't making much progress though since it all came down to negative thoughts or outcomes. But why was he thinking all of this in the first place? The question surged for the first time in the two hours he had been lying down overthinking everything.

Sure, he longed for a beautiful relationship and he knew that when it came to him, he didn't really care about what people had to think about him or his life decisions. Kai was sure that if he wanted, in the future, to date someone and make it official, he wouldn't be scared of the world's reaction, because whatever he decided to do with _his_ life was nobodies god damn business. So why did he care now? Why was he fearing people’s reactions at his decisions? Why did he worry about his future?

Maybe it had to do with the fact that every time he thought of the word _'love'_ , dark purple locks of hair came to his mind accompanied with a beautiful smile and dark chocolate eyes that held a thousand of stars. Maybe because dating Soobin was a much bigger deal than just dating any other person.

Wait, _what?_

"Hueningkai"

A voice called his name startling him and as a reflex he sat down as quickly as possible, which turned out to be a bad move honestly, because he hit his head quite hard with the bottom of the top bunk. Kai let out a loud whine and closed his eyes while putting both his hands on the top of his head and forehead trying to ease the pain.

Beside his bunk, Taehyun looked at him with a pained look in his face as if he had been the one receiving such a hit.

"What is it?" Kai asked his roommate barely opening his eyes to look at him climbing on his bed.

"I asked if you were ok. We called you for dinner, but you didn't respond and then I come in here to find you're all alone sulking to your sad music playlist. So, what's going on?"

Damned be Kang Taehyun and his perceptive skills.

"Nothing, I'm not really hungry" Kai responded curtly taking off his earbuds and sliding off his bed going for his closet and taking out a set of pajamas.

"Yeah, ok, I don't believe you"

"Ok then don't, it's the truth" Kai didn't intend to sound rude or defensive, but that's exactly how his voice came out.

He turned to look at Taehyun who was still on his bed, not looking bothered in the slightest, only staring right at Kai with a neutral expression that the younger knew way too well. Taehyun might've not looked like it, but Kai and the members knew that whenever Taehyun gave them that _neutral_ stare, which actually read 'don't fuck with me', they had no option but to apologize. Which was what Kai did.

"Sorry Taehyunie, I just…have a lot on my mind"

"Does it have to do with our conversation earlier?"

"…Yes"

Taehyun sighed and tapped the space next to him on the bed signaling for Kai to sit down next to him. He did so without protest and as soon as he sat down, words started to pour out of him.

"I know we're not here to please, I know they don't own me, but still…"

"In a sense they do, don't they?" Taehyun looked at him as if he were able to hear what Kai was thinking, maybe he was.

"Yeah, but what bothers me is the fact that I was thinking about what Beomgyu hyung said, and…I don't think I'll ever be able to love _or_ be loved like that"

"Why not?" Taehyun scooted closer to Kai and started to carefully pet his hair and it was actually comforting to know someone was listening

"Because…b-because"

He stopped right there. He couldn't tell him. He couldn't just tell Taehyun about how he was going down a rabbit hole that only ended with a painful fall into reality. He couldn't just tell him that he l…liked Soobin.

"Huening, you don't have to tell me everything if you're not ready to face it yourself"

Kai looked at the other in surprise, he didn't expect Taehyun to let him off the hook that easily. Instead of pressuring him into saying anything more, Taehyun wrapped his arms around Kai's shoulders and gave a tight squeeze.

"We're still way too young Kai, and there's a long way to go before worrying about stuff like that. Its ok to be aware of it but don't stress too much about things that haven't even happened yet"

"But, when the time comes, whether it be sooner or later, we'll figure it out. We have each other. You have us"

Kai looked up to Taehyun and saw nothing but raw and pure honesty in his eyes. He was right, like pretty much always, and it was reassuring to be reminded once in a while that he shouldn't deal with all his burdens alone.

Seeing Taehyun like that, completely open to having a meaningful conversation with him, listening to whatever Kai needed to say in order to vent his poor mind out, just him _being_ there for Kai left him with a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

Because he couldn't tell him everything, even if Taehyun had proved to be a best friend and amazing adviser, Kai’s own feelings had to be processed by him first before he could tell anybody. So, he only hugged his roommate tightly, hopefully conveying how grateful he was for having him.

Taehyun reciprocated the hug and left Kai's bed, after all, there was only so much human contact he could handle.

While the other was changing into his pajamas, Kai replayed Taehyun’s words in his mind convincing himself that he shouldn't worry about these things, that maybe he was exaggerating his feelings - like many other times, and maybe this whole thing that started out as a little snowflake had turned into a giant snowball all thanks to his anxious mind. He had to learn how to deal or control it.

Not today though. He could feel the mental exhaustion after the day and all he could think of was how soft and inviting his bed was and opted for sleeping now that it was still a reasonable hour to go to bed.

He could deal with his internal mess tomorrow.

***

Yesterday, Kai had woken up to the sound of thunder, this time, it was to the pained screams of Soobin.

He got up alarmingly fast, mind still fogged with sleep and eyesight going black for a moment as it adjusted to the rapid movements. He looked at the clock and saw it was 3:37 am. This was bad.

He left his room at the speed of light going straight for the one where the screams had decreased in volume but were still present. Kai didn't think twice before barging in on the room without even knocking, there was no need to.

All the members were already gathered around Soobin's bed speaking softly in an attempt to wake him up, but all of the words fell on deaf ears as Soobin's weeping grew louder. This was bad.

Beomgyu, who had kept a safe distance between the bed and him, refused to look at his roommate and because of it he saw Kai standing on the door frame. Their eyes locked and Kai clearly saw the hurt in them as he was sure Beomgyu saw the same in his own.

Yeonjun backed off when he tried to touch Soobin trying to stir him awake but was brusquely pushed away. He was now standing next to Beomgyu with a hand over his eyes massaging his forehead, probably trying to keep control of his own emotions at not being able to help.

Taehyun was the only one by Soobin's side now, but he didn't look any better since all his attempts were failed as well. Everyone was slowly starting to g more and more frustrated at the situation, either pacing around the room or trying again to soothe with their words but Soobin kept on crying and crying and _crying_.

Kai didn't know how, but one moment he was frozen on the door and the next he was climbing on the bed to wrap his arms around Soobin, who had managed to curl up at the edge of the bedframe with his knees to his chest.

At first, Soobin fought against the unexpected contact of someone caging him without being able to move. He kicked and kept screaming 'No' like a broken record, but Kai didn't let got. He didn't, he _wouldn't_.

"I'm here, Soobin I'm here. It's just us, stop fighting me" Kai said with the softest voice he could muster without breaking. Still, some tears escaped his eyes.

He tried a few more times, to bring the other back to reality through his touch and voice, but Soobin didn't give up, if anything he was pushing even harder and scratching everywhere he could to set himself free. He was trapped inside his own mind.

Kai struggled, he was still the weakest of the members, but the rush of adrenaline was providing enough force to keep Soobin in place and avoiding him from hurting himself, because that could happen.

"Sing for him" Taehyun choked on his own voice, he was still kneeling beside the bed much like Kai had been just the morning before. "It should help, I read about it"

Kai was in no position to debate whether it was a good idea or not because there weren't many other alternatives to choose from. He tried to think of a song, any song, but his mind came in blank.

Until a certain melody crept through his memories and so he started to sing, trying to remember the words.

_Nee dore kurai_

_Nee waraeba ii?_

_Ima tsutaetai koto yoso ni_

_Let me face, let me face, let me face my fears_

_Oh, let me face, let me face, let me face my fears_

_Watashi no chizu ni notte inai_

_Michi ni tachitai_

The song repeated itself once again and Kai followed the memory of hearing it over and over again when he was a kid. It soothed him, listening to the violins and piano was like being in a safe place. He hoped it could mean the same for Soobin.

He kept singing even after the weeping had died down to mere whimpers and sobs. He sang even when the members said that they would leave the room in case Soobin actually woke up, knowing that it was better to be one at a time with him so that he wouldn't be overwhelmed.

He sang and he hummed the melody over and over again until Soobin opened his eyes and quickly looked up as if he would find any other person or thing rather than Kai.

But when he saw him, when he made sure that it was the younger holding him and singing softly to him, he only broke down and hugged Kai with everything he had.

"…thank you"

Soobin's voice was raspy due to the screaming and his body was still pretty much shaking from the episode, but he had still managed to pick at that gentle part of himself to _thank_ Kai, and the realization made the younger tear up.

After Soobin calmed down a bit more, Kai managed to get them both under the covers. There was no distance between them as they laid on their sides, Kai keeping hold of Soobin's hand throughout the night to let him know that he wasn't going anywhere.

Not now, not ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i mean,,,,,i'm not gonna lie, i love angst and fluff and just everything related to comfort so yeah, there's that jsjsjsjsjsj see you in the next chapter!   
> p.s: the song that Hyuka sings for Soobin is this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENi9QLtW6jY


	3. that held entire constellations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took way longer than expected but i'm happy with the result kjsaslas enjoy dears!

The morning after, Kai wished he had been able to hear birds chirping outside instead of the dull tapping of raindrops against the window. He had always liked rainy weather, but after seeing Soobin like that, he wished for a morning sun that the elder could wake up to.

There was barely any noise outside the room. Everything in the dorm was peacefully quiet given that it was probably still early or rather the members had taken the opportunity of their unexpected vacations to sleep in until mid-day, which was the most reasonable thing to do, and Kai would've done the same had his body not been accustomed to getting up early and ready to be productive.

Rubbing at his eyes and adjusting to the dim light, he looked around the bedroom looking for the other person that was supposed to sleeping here, but instead he found an empty bed with disarranged sheets. Beomgyu wasn't in the room, most probably opting to sleep with Taehyun in the remaining bunk given that Kai wasn't going to use it.

He turned on his side to face Soobin and make sure that the other was still sleeping.

He had a small pout on his lips, his breathing even and barely noticeable if you weren't paying attention, his eyes still shut yet moving behind closed eyelids indicating that he was dreaming. _Hopefully something good_. Soobin looked so tranquil, quite the contrast to how he was barely a few hours ago.

To say that Kai was worried was an understatement. Soobin's night terrors had been treated, or at least the psychologist that the company contacted had tried to get rid of them by having weekly sessions with Soobin, trying to find the root of the problem, because of course there was one. Screaming in your sleep and feeling extreme fear had a reason to be, or at least that was what Soobin had told him one time

_"Doctor Im keeps interrogating me like some kind of cop, but none of the questions so far have rang any bells to make me realize what triggers my nightmares. I don't think there's a reason though, maybe I'm just broken"_ Soobin had let out one time they arrived especially late at the dorm after an exhausting and pretty bad day.

In all honesty, Kai just thought that the doctor wasn't actually doing his job properly since Soobin's sleep hadn't gotten any better after spending months speaking with a specialist. Maybe she hadn't asked the proper questions to make Soobin actually open up to her, she hadn't dug deep enough to even scratch the surface of the problem.

The only thing Soobin had gotten out of those sessions were a few breathing techniques and the never missing 'try your best' for when his mind was subconsciously _crying_ out for help.

Kai didn't even realize he’d closed his fists so tightly that the nails left a mark on the inside of his palm. But he felt so useless not being able to do anything for Soobin; there was nothing he wouldn't give to keep that calm expression on the elders face for all of his nights replacing the pain that Kai knew was draining him slowly of his energy.

A breath he didn't knew he was holding escaped his lungs as he saw Soobin stir in his sleep and squeezing his eyes a little before re-accommodating himself now giving his back to Kai. He didn't wake up though, and Kai decided to let him sleep more as he got up from the bed being extremely careful not to alert the other, exiting the bedroom opting to use his time to do something actually productive instead of just laying in bed thinking of negative stuff.

Just as he had supposed, the members weren't even awake yet, the living room and kitchen still in the same state as the night before. He turned on the lights to give a little of illumination and warmth to the dorm. When he entered the kitchen, he grabbed a bottle of liquid yogurt and drank the whole thing in a second or less feeling the relief on his stomach to have something to digest since he had skipped dinner yesterday.

He thought about preparing a little something for Soobin. He knew that the mornings after an episode where especially bad and left the elder without energy to even feed himself something. So, with that in mind, Kai grabbed a tiny pot filling it with water and putting it on the stove. While waiting for the water to boil, he grabbed a few eggs from the fridge as well as some scallions and strawberry jam.

He added a pan to the stove and sprayed it with a bit of oil adding the eggs he had whisked before hand, sprinkling the chopped scallions evenly and putting two pairs of sliced bread into the toaster. On the pot, the water started to bubble indicating that it was ready to use and so he turned both flames on the stove off pouring the hot liquid on two different cups and placing the quite not-so-terrible looking omelet he had made on one big plate so that he could eat too. The distinct ding of the toaster let him know that the toast was also ready. He spread some of the jam on top and added them to the plate.

A bag of chamomile tea went in one of the cups along with some lemon and honey while the other only had a fruity teabag in it.

"Huening?"

Kai felt his soul leave his body at the sudden voice and jumped in his place turning around from the counter to face whoever had given him such a scare.

Soobin was standing just a few steps in front of him looking like quite a mess. His hair was sort of tangled up, his pajamas were wrinkled and loose against his thin frame and his face remained swollen, a sign that he had just woken up. However, as cute as the sight was, the most noticeable thing were the big dark circles all around his still red eyes, and Kai could also see the slightly pained face when Soobin gulped, which meant his throat was sore and hurting.

He looked so vulnerable as he stood still in place not moving a muscle. He was scared.

And how could he not be? Kai himself had experienced some terrible nightmares back in the day that haunted him even throughout the day because of how _real_ they had felt. He couldn't even begin to imagine how it was for Soobin after having a night terror.

Kai could see Soobin scanning around the kitchen and landing his eyes on the plate and mugs already prepared, his eyes had the tiniest spark in them probably at the sight of food. Without saying much Kai handed Soobin the cup with chamomile tea in it and the other took it with a questioning look.

“It’s chamomile. I also added honey and a few drops of lemon, it should help your throat” Kai said nonchalantly, as if he hadn’t given much thought to making the right beverage for a sore throat.

“…thanks” Soobin’s voice was barely above a whisper as he sipped carefully from the tea in order not to get burnt.

“I also made…that, and some toast” Kai signaled towards his attempt at an omelet and chuckled at himself “we could eat on the couch! There’s this drama I’ve been trying to watch since Beomgyu hyung won’t shut up about it, so we can watch it together”

He turned around to face the counter and grab his own mug as well as the plate when a certain weight was being pressed to his back. The amount of hugs Soobin had given him in the spawn of a day and a half had been certainly lots, but Kai didn’t mind, of course he didn’t; if that simple contact provided _any_ sort of comfort to the elder, then Kai would gladly comply.

Somehow, he was able to turn a little in his place to correspond to the hug properly, wrapping his arms around Soobin’s forearms and resting his head on top of the other’s shoulder. They stood there for a few minutes, Kai being able to feel Soobin’s calm breathing, caressing the messy purple hair and just being _there_ for him as long as it was needed.

“How are you even real?” Soobin eventually said with softness attached to his tone, untangling his arms from Kai’s torso.

“I’m not, haven’t you noticed? I’m a fairy!” Kai made a motion with his hands at both his sides in a way that was meant to represent him having wings, which earned a tiny smile and laugh from Soobin.

It was comforting to see the dimples and small creases on his eyes after such a night.

***

The drama Beomgyu had been so obsessed over, turned out to be quite good from the very beginning and so Kai found himself completely absorbed in the story. He was particularly keen on the idea of a few minorities being included in it, such as the trans community. It was quite refreshing to see that little by little their society was beginning to open up a bit towards such topics because, at least according to Beomgyu, the drama had been a success and the negative critics were silenced thanks to the positive ones. Maybe one day there would be no negative thoughts whatsoever, but of course that was a utopia to think of.

Beside him, Soobin lied with his whole body leaning on Kai, knees to his chest and arms wrapped around his legs. Kai turned his face a little to check on him, noticing the way Soobin was fighting his eyelids to stay open, of course he would be sleepy.

“I really liked the song?” Soobin said out of the blue and Kai wasn’t exactly sure to what he was referring to since the drama had no background music at the moment.

“What song?”

“The one you sang to me in the early morning, when I was having a nightmare”

_Oh,_ so he remembers. Kai was actually surprised to notice that even in his terror induced state, Soobin had been able to hear him. Guess he should’ve realized though since the melody and singing tune were what helped the elder calm down.

“I remember it being part of the soundtrack from a game I used to play a lot when I was a kid. My dad even learned the lyrics and melody to use it as a lullaby” Kai commented as the memory of many years ago came to his mind making a fond smile form on his face.

“It must be very special then” Soobin said crooking his neck upwards to meet Kai’s gaze wearing his own lovely smile.

“It is" Kai said and then added "That’s why I sang it for you. I was hoping you could attach it to something special and so whenever you feel afraid, you can think of it”

Soobin didn't respond immediately, instead looking lost in his own thoughts. Kai wasn't really expecting an answer though, he just wanted to let Soobin know what had been crossing his mind the night before while he repeatedly sang for him. He didn't know much about night terrors, but what he did know was that fear could be overpowered by happiness, which is what the melody was meant to bring to Soobin the way it had brought it for Kai.

"Would you sing it for me again? It was actually soothing, and I think I could use a nap" Soobin rubbed at his eyes and tried to get into a much more comfortable position when a particularly loud thunder roared outside startling them both.

The rain became heavier and the tiny drops from before were replaced by bigger ones that when crashing against the windows made the sound of rocks being thrown. Kai was then suddenly aware of how cold and grey the dorm had turned.

"Maybe later? I'll go grab a blanket and turn on the lights because apparently we're the only ones living here!" Kai raised his voice in the middle of his sentence so that the other three could sense his annoyance if they were listening.

He got up from the couch and firstly pulled the blinds down on all the windows to somehow diminish the loud sound of the rain, then went and turned all the lights in the hallway as well as the living room itself before actually heading to his own bedroom just to stop right on his tracks as he opened the door.

Here's the thing, having lived with other people for almost four years, Kai eventually lost the habit of knocking knowing damn well that the only thing he could walk into would be one of the members changing or something related to seeing the others nudity - which thank god only happened _once_. Apart from that, there was no reason why he would've needed to knock on the door of his own god damn bedroom.

Still, a part of him scolded him for not doing so after seeing the scene that developed in front of his eyes.

Taehyun was standing, way too close, in front of a very familiar figure, with the tips of his feet giving him a bit of extra height as he cupped the other's face and kissed him.

Taehyun was kissing Yeonjun.

_What the f-_

"Kai?"

Only then did he realize that his last thought had been voiced out loud. Two pairs of eyes were now looking at him with utter shock similar to the one he was sure his own face possessed.

Taehyun had been the one acknowledging his presence, his face drained from all color still looking at Kai as if waiting for him to say something. Then again, Kai was way to astonished and genuinely petrified in his place to say or even try to mutter a single sound.

Suddenly, red hair was going near him and it took him a second to realize that Taehyun was now in front of him. The deadly stare he gave Kai was enough to make him feel guilty as if he had been the one doing something wrong. Well, not _wrong_ but-

"You didn't see anything" Was all Taehyun said to him before shutting the door right in his face.

The slamming made him blink once, twice, before he could snap out of his shock and actually process what he had just witnessed. A million questions started flooding his mind all at once not leaving any space to answer or find a coherent explanation to anything, at all.

Taehyun was kissing Yeonjun, there was that.

But why? Just when and how did this happen? Were they…in love with each other?

Kai was lost. His mind was running in circles and he was actually starting to get mad at Taehyun for not saying anything about it and just shutting him off like that. Wasn't he the one always taking pride in not keeping any secrets from the others? And didn’t he know just how this could affect him? All of them?

This was a complete mess.

Kai walked to the living room to find that Soobin was already sound asleep, all curled up on himself making him look ten times tinier that his actually size. The sight was like a painkiller to Kai, suddenly feeling too tired to give more thought to the accident from before.

He really didn't need to deal with other people's problems when he had a lot on his back as it was with the sleeping and oblivious figure on the couch. He decided he should sleep some more as well, since the night had been rough for him too.

He took the puff and dragged it close to the couch, because just being near Soobin brought him comfort and peace of mind, which God knows just how much he needed right now.

Kai let out a long sigh and ran his hands through his hair and face, trying to dissipate the headache that was starting to build behind his eyelids.

_'Ok, no more thinking, just sleep'_ He said to himself, tossing and turning in the big cushion which wasn't meant for sleeping purposes, but managing to find a position where he felt comfortable enough before succumbing to sleep.

His problems were starting to pile up, he'd need to deal with them soon.

***

“Beomgyu! Why did you finish my last bin of ice cream?!”

The rustle and rushed steps of people all over the dorm made Kai wake up from his slumber. The headache he’d been trying to avoid was now present with full force like a hammer pounding at the back and top of his head. _Great._

“The better question is, why not? Hyung, not all the ice cream we own is yours!”

“Except that one _was_ mine!”

Soobin was now threateningly holding a cushion in the air aiming for Beomgyu when a hand stopped him from doing so.

“Are you seriously arguing because of this? Just go buy another one for Christ’s sake! Stop being such children” Yeonjun interrupted their argument looking annoyed, his whole demeanor screaming ‘moody’.

Both Beomgyu and Soobin knew better than to mess with a moody Yeonjun, so they let go of the matter. Kai just quietly observed the exchange between his members when he saw Yeonjun sparing him a look from the corner of his eye before the latter went back to his room. His headache only increasing in pain thanks to the memories from earlier coming back.

Right, he needed to talk with Yeonjun and Taehyun, but maybe not when he felt like his head was about to explode. He felt Beomgyu and Soobin fall on the couch beside him as one of them turned the TV on. He grunted and massaged his temples not welcoming the oud noise. He needed to get fresh air.

“What? Are we bothering you as well?” Beomgyu said curtly as Kai got up. Apparently, someone else had woken up with the right foot.

“Don’t talk to him like that” Soobin intervened with a tone that shut Beomgyu up, who decided to focus on whatever show he was watching.

Kai ignored both comments as he went to his bedroom. Taehyun was there of course, but the younger tried not to pay attention to the way his roommate was intently looking at him as he just went to his closet to grab a coat.

“Are you really not going to say anything?” Kai heard Taehyun say from behind him. He took a deep breath preparing for the inevitable conversation he was about to have.

“What exactly do you want me to say? Your love life is none of my business” He turned on his heels to face Taehyun who was getting off his bunk and stood in front of Kai keeping a sort of safe distance between them.

“Except it is when it involves a member of _our_ team, so tell me what you really think”

Taehyun’s intention was good, Kai could see the other was fighting back the nervousness ready to accept whatever the other could tell him in order to have an actual conversation, so he tried to approach the matter carefully. He didn’t know where to start though.

“How long has…this, whatever it is, been going on?” Kai asked first since that was what was bothering him the most.

“I-I don’t know, it’s pretty recent to be honest. Three weeks, maybe?” Taehyun wouldn’t met Kai’s eyes as he spoke, instead fidgeting with the hem of his sweater.

_Three weeks?_ Wow, ok.

“Why did you keep it a secret? I thought you were the open book out of all of us”

At this question, Taehyun looked up and stared at Kai with confusion, like he had asked something that had an obvious answer, but still Kai wanted to hear his own reasons.

“I thought you already knew why, since you feel for Soobin the same way-”

“ _What?”_ Kai’s voice came out choked.

His heart stopped for a moment trying to process what Taehyun had just said as if it hadn’t even been a big deal. Like saying those words out loud hadn’t pulled at certain strings inside his heart suddenly making everything Kai felt even more real.

How did Taehyun find out? Did the others know? _Did Soobin know?_

“Yeah, I mean it’s pretty obvious with the way you act around him and all” Taehyun kept on talking but Kai had stopped listening.

“Sorry, but don’t confuse whatever it is you think you see with messing around like you two do”

Bad choice of words. Terrible, actually.

Taehyun’s face fell completely. Kai could see the exact moment his stance became firmer and his eyes were no longer passive but filled with rage.

“ _Messing around?_ You’ve got a lot of nerve to say that when you don’t even know how I feel. And you know what? Maybe you never will because you’re too much of a coward to actually confess that you love-“

“Shut up” Kai put a hand aggressively on top Taehyun’s mouth before he could say anything else. He was grabbing with more force than necessary the other’s forearm, warning him to not dare and say another word.

Taehyun, being much stronger, got away by pushing at Kai’s chest, creating a small distance. They were breathing heavily and even though Taehyun stood tall in his place ready to put up a fight, the visible hurt in his eyes was what made Kai snap out of it.

_What had he done?_

“Get out” Taehyun spat the words at him.

Kai was out in a matter of seconds, not only from his room but the also the dorm. He was sure someone had called out his name before he actually left, slamming the main door behind him.

_Fuck_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to add more at the end but decided to cut it there because i'm a sucker for cliffhangers   
> for some reason, i feel the need to let y'all know that none of the reactions here are overreacted. Kai is confused and has no idea of how to deal with such intense feelings, because love is way bigger than we think.   
> Anygays, i hope i portrayed that correctly bc the next chapters contain some self-discovery and such, so keep your heads up! See you next time <3


	4. how I wish to be part of that galaxy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you are triggered by panic attacks please beware! I'll leave the cue of when to stop reading in the end notes in order not to spoil anything!  
> This chapter is really important, and I worked really hard on it, thankfully I'm glad with the result. I highly suggest you to listen to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKoQT4PxvPI when Yeonjun and Kai talk <3   
> Enjoy sweeties!

Looking back on it, leaving the dorm with nothing more than a thin jacket and his sweats had been an awful idea. Kai’s clothes barely provided any warm or coverage from the freezing air and crispy rain. The tips of his fingers were going numb as well as his face, now extremely red because of the blood rushing to at least heat his poor cheeks.

He was walking aimlessly. The streets were partially empty, only the passing of some cars kept him company as he strayed farther away from the dorm. By now, he wasn’t entirely sure if the wetness on his cold cheeks was due to the rain or his non stopping tears, probably both.

_‘I messed up. I fucked up horribly’_ Kai’s mind kept repeating and bouncing the words on his head without leaving room to think of something else for even a second.

He had hurt Taehyun, he knew that even when his words hadn’t been rude per se nor had he attacked the other physically, the weight of what he had said certainly made for a pretty deep cut.

Kai knew that he had made a terrible mistake when he looked at Taehyun’s eyes. Because Taehyun could get annoyed at him or the others over trivial stuff, things that in the end didn’t really matter and eventually passed. But this time it wasn’t like that at all. The assumptions he made were wrong and out of place since he didn’t even give the other a chance to fully explain himself.

All because Taehyun had seen through him and realized something not even Kai was ready to face yet. And that was also a problem, because Taehyun was wrong to assume Kai’s feelings when he hadn’t had the time to process them himself.

Kai was mad because maybe Taehyun was right.

He had stalled his emotions for way too long now and it was starting to hurt not being able to know what to do with them. Even worse, he couldn’t talk about it with anyone since he didn’t know _how_.

A loud groan escaped his throat and he ran both hands through his hair in frustration. Everything was all sorts of wrong. From all that was going on inside his head to the outside world, where rain was starting to become more intense and the sky turned a dark shade of grey as more clouds approached.

It was only now that he realized just how wet his clothes were. The sneakers were soaked, and his jacket might as well had been just taken out of the laundry given how much water it had absorbed. Kai was sure to catch a cold if he didn’t change clothes quickly. He sighed at the thought of having to go back to the dorm.

However, since the universe had decided to be a bitch today with him, the rain only got worse as he was barely a step on his way back. Quickly seeking shelter from the furious raindrops, he somehow found himself inside a convenience store with flickering lights and a fairly old lady behind the counter, who looked at him with shock and surprise probably because of the way he was looking.

If he wasn’t soaked before, his clothes were surely now dripping and sticking to his body in an uncomfortable way.

“My goodness, young man! Are you ok? What are you doing outside with this storm?” The lady approached Kai as fast as she could with a worried look on her face.

She was really short, barely reaching the youngers chest. Her hair was grey, a sign of age much like the wrinkles all over her features, and she was wearing more appropriate clothes for such a cold weather. Many sweaters adorned her thin frame along with a scarf that she was already taking off and offering to Kai.

“Ah halmeonim, that’s not necessary” Kai tried refusing but the lady was pushing the scarf on his hands.

“Nonsense! Look at you, you’re going to catch a terrible cold with those clothes. Let me go grab a towel for you” She said turning on her heels and going to the back of the store leaving no room for discussion.

Kai actually found it endearing and decided to pull the fluffy and comfortable material to his face drying some parts and then draping it around his neck. Maybe it was the scarf itself or the selfless action, but his chest swelled up with fondness and warmth.

While he waited for the lady to come back, he took a look around the tiny yet cozy store. It had all the essentials to be a convenience store but in a much tinier version. Not so many well known brands filled the shelves and refrigerators, but if you were in a hurry any of the items would do.

“Sorry, sorry. My son is not here at the moment and it’s hard for my old self to walk any faster, but here” The lady returned with a big blue towel on her hands offering it to Kai’s dripping figure.

“Don’t worry halmeonim, I should be the one apologizing for causing you such trouble” Kai lowered his gaze as he spoke, feeling ashamed to receive such kindness when he didn’t think he deserved it. Not after being such an asshole to his best friend.

“Please don’t, only a heartless person would do nothing” The lady dismissed Kai's comment with a wave of her hand and moved again towards the coffee machine on the back of the store.

"…thanks a lot" Kai could only mutter before starting to rub the towel on his hair and body to dry as much as he could. He decided to strip of his jacket and wrap the towel around his frame to gain some warmth since his shirt was still very much wet.

"Here sweetie, drink this" The lady handed him a cup of hot chocolate which Kai took way to eagerly. His fingers going back to their usual color losing the numbness from before at the touch of the warm cup of foam.

The lady only let out a chuckle as she went behind the counter again to grab two plastic chairs, placing one in front of Kai and one behind her to take a sit, inviting the younger to do the same. Kai sat down feeling a bit better now with his clothes drying a little and the sugary drink making wonders to rise his body temperature.

For the first time in the day, he thanked the universe for making him find this little store with a lady who saved his ass from freezing.

"I'm Chin-Sun, what's your name honey?" The lady, Chin-Sun, said with a kind smile on her face.

"Hueningkai" He responded with a shy smile of his own.

"Oh! What a unique name, never heard it before" She looked at him with interest "So, tell me Hueningkai, what exactly where you doing in the streets with this storm? Aren't your parents worried?"

_Shit_. The members.

Surely his parents wouldn't be worried since they confided that Kai would be staying inside the safety of his dorm, but the others surely were going crazy looking for him. It was beginning to get dark outside and he knew for sure he had to get back before giving them a stroke out of worry.

Chin-Sun must've read the look on Kai's face because she got up from her seat taking the now empty cup from the younger's hands.

"You're completely right Halmeoni. They must be worried sick, I should get go-"

"Kai. Kamal. Huening"

Kai froze on his place at the familiar voice calling for his full name. He turned around to face the door of the mini store and was instantly met with a panting figure, a signal that the other had been running, a dripping umbrella on his right hand and two very furious eyes that were shooting daggers.

He was in so much trouble.

"Soobin hyung" Kai managed to say without his voice breaking but choking on his own breath when Soobin began to close the distance between them. They might've been almost the same height but Soobin still managed to look bigger and intimidating when angry.

Kai closed his eyes ready to get told off or even receive a smack in the head for running away so carelessly in the middle of a storm. But nothing came other than the severe tone of a certain tiny lady.

"Stop right there young man, what is your business with him?" Chin-Sun was in the middle of the two tall boys looking not exactly threatening given her height but the warning tone on her voice was enough to make Soobin back up a little.

"Ah! Halmeoni, it's ok! He's my friend, I live with him" Kai tried to reason with Chin-Sun who was now the one throwing daggers at the elder.

"So what? If he were a real friend, you wouldn't have been outside in the pouring rain seeking for shelter!" Chin-Sun said matter-of-factly causing Soobin to flinch.

His posture had changed completely at being scolded by an elder and a stranger at the same time. Soobin's face lost all trace of anger, replacing the negative feeling with a sad and worried expression that was directed towards Kai.

The younger felt the guilt creeping inside of him the more Soobin gave him those kicked puppy eyes.

"Now, if you're here to scold him even after what he just went through, which I can guess is a lot, then I suggest you leave"

Kai was surprised that Chin-Sun's guess was awfully correct. His day had been nothing but horrible in capital letters and the last thing he needed was Soobin yelling at him and making him feel even worse.

The elder remained silent for a few more minutes just looking between the angry lady and Kai when the ringtone of his phone pulled him out of his dazed state.

“Yes Beom, I found him, he’s right in front of me. We’ll head back right now” Soobin said to Beomgyu on the other side of the line and hung up the call to look back at Chin-Sun, who hadn’t moved from her place still scrutinizing Soobin.

“Listen, halmeonim, I’m not here to hurt him or something horrible. He’s a member of my team and we really should get going soon before the storm gets even worse” Soobin reasoned with her, the sound of distant thunder making his nerves spike up at the thought of having to walk back to the dorm under the furious sky.

Chin-Sun didn’t seem particularly keen on the idea of trusting Soobin’s words, so she turned around to look at Kai instead. He was completely tense, sopping, and exhausted from today’s events and, in all honesty, all he wanted to do was go home, shower and sleep to forget that this day even happened.

He didn’t need to voice his thoughts when the look he gave Chin-Sun told her that it was ok for him to go with his so-called friend.

“Be safe darling. Take a hot shower and be sure to use cough drops or you’ll catch a very severe cold” Chin-Sun grabbed Kai’s jacket for him and handed it over, squishing his cheek while she was at it.

“I hope you take good care of him” She only said to Soobin with a warning yet soft look.

“Will do. Thank you so much for sheltering him” Soobin bowed respectfully to her whilst grabbing Kai’s hand to lead them outside.

“Go now, I heard tonight’s going to be worse” Chin-Sun said referring to the heavy charged clouds outside that ominously waited to pour down.

“Thanks again Halmeoni” Kai bowed as well but Chin-Sun only dismissed him with a wave of her hand ushering them to go and get home safely.

The tiny ring of the bell above the door was heard when they exited the mini store, walking away towards their dorm.

The walk was awfully quiet and awkward. Kai knew Soobin had a lot to say given that his eyes remained cold and always staring straight, not even glancing at the younger. Even though they were walking side by side to share the umbrella, Kai felt cold. Having Soobin giving him the cold shoulder increased his anxiety even more, because now not only was Taehyun mad at him but also the one person he always sought comfort in. And there was also the fact than when they arrived at the dorm, the others would bombard him with questions of why he ran away, and he wouldn’t be able to answer them because that would mean he’d have to explain his fight with Taehyun and most likely the reason of it.

But he wasn’t going to do that. Because then it would all be out. And Kai couldn’t handle it. No, that would be too much.

“Are you out of your mind?” Soobin spoke suddenly stopping, which caused Kai to do the same. The elder only looked at him with so much anger and _hurt._

“Hyung, I…” Kai wasn’t able to finish his sentence before Soobin interrupted him.

“No, listen to me very well Hueningkai. You literally stormed off the dorm without even saying a word like a kid throwing a tantrum and for what? A stupid fight between you and Taehyun?”

So Taehyun told them, but not apparently the _why_ since Soobin was calling it a stupid argument- and maybe it had been after all.

“And not even that, but you actually left in the middle of what was an electric storm that only got worse by the minute and had us pulling out our hair in worry since you didn’t take your phone with you and there was no way of communicating! For god’s sake, we didn’t know where you were and if you were even ok!” Soobin yelled at him, voicing all of what was stuck in his throat for the last fifteen minutes.

He never raised his voice with Kai, this was the first time. He felt shivers going down his spine, the weight of Soobin’s words sinking in his mind.

“I just can’t believe you are so irresponsible and selfish”

That was the last drop.

Kai didn’t respond, he didn’t know why but no words left his mouth as he started walking again with Soobin by his side.

He felt extremely cold, his whole body going numb and even going as far as to shiver slightly at the low temperature. No thoughts crossed his mind as they kept on walking until reaching a familiar street that led to their dorm. He felt a bit of relief at the familiar building, knowing that soon enough he’d be able to slip under his covers and disappear for a while. He wanted to shut the buzz on his ears off and replace the cold for warmth.

Soobin remained deadly silent. He was most probably disappointed and tired; Kai could tell from the dark and deep circles all around his eyes. It was Kai’s fault, of course it was, because he had worried Soobin and the others over a stupid decision that he took because he wasn’t able to deal with his problems and walking away was easy enough for a coward like him.

They entered the dorm trying not to make much of a fuzz but obviously that failed since the other three were already waiting for them. Beomgyu, dramatic as always, jumped in front of Kai and spoke with such concern on his voice.

“Jesus Christ Hueningkai, where were you? Are you ok? Oh dear, look at you! Get in the shower now before you catch a fever or something worse” Beomgyu cupped Kai’s face with both his hands and the younger put them away with his own, trying to tell the other that he was just fine.

But no words came. What left his mouth instead was a choked sob. He felt a knot so tight in his throat that it was even hard to breath. By reflex, his jaw opened wide trying to get some air inside his lungs, but failed to do so as another sob, much more broken and audible, escaped him.

“Kai, what happened?” Came a voice, but Kai couldn’t discern to whom it belonged to.

_What happened?_ That was a really good question. He’d like to know the answer as well.

Suddenly, his mind was flooded with all sorts of bad memories from today, from last week, even from _years_ ago. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

His body was shaking terribly. His hands and feet felt like needles were pinching through them. The buzz on his ears grew louder and he could’ve sworn he heard how fast his blood was rushing along with the furious beating of his heart that was bound to leave his chest if it kept the pace.

Tears were falling non-stop. A dam had been broken and everything that was bottled up found its way through the loud sobbing and weeping.

He was having a panic attack.

He stopped being aware of his surroundings; he didn’t know where he was nor who was with him. He felt alone, and scared and unable to breath. He gasped and choked around nothing as he tried to take in the so much needed air.

Kai could slowly feel his chest constricting and the dizziness building up at the lack of oxygen.

He was going to faint. He was-

“HUENINGKAI, BREATH!”

Kai’s eyes snapped open at the sudden scream, his arms untangling from around himself and taking in a big breath of air.

His sight cleared the slightest given that he was still crying but it was enough to process the situation. He was on Yeonjun’s room, sitting on the bed wearing the same wet clothes from before. The lack of illumination inside the room made it clear that it was already nighttime, he didn’t know how late though.

It wasn’t until he felt a hand touching his shoulder that he also took notice of four more boys inside the room with him.

Yeonjun is by his side, seemingly relieved that his loud voice had drawn Kai back to reality. Beomgyu was standing next to Yeonjun looking teary and trying to cover it by scrubbing his face with one hand. Taehyun and Soobin were both in front of him with their own worried looks and as soon as Kai posed his eyes on the elder, he unconsciously recoiled on himself, drawing his knees to his chest and hiding his face in shame.

He’d been such a nuisance for all of them today. Soobin was right, he had been selfish and irresponsible, he should’ve kept his mouth shut when he talked with Taehyun so none of this would’ve happened. He should’ve known better.

He should _be_ better or leave for good.

“Ning, you need to let it all out or else it’s going to eat you alive” Yeonjun hugged him and spoke softly into his hair.

Kai could only cry louder, feeling the panic rising up again whenever he was reminded of why he was like this in the first place. His body was starting to shake more vigorously with every passing second.

His mind and body were literally _screaming_ for him to talk about what sat heavy on his chest like a rock. But he was afraid, terrified out of his mind, because he couldn’t just let everything out, not with everyone inside the room.

“Could you guys leave us alone?” Yeonjun told the other three apparently reading Kai’s mind. The younger thanked him internally for it.

“Hyung…” Soobin was beginning to object but Yeonjun cut him.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this”

Yeonjun half smiled to the others letting them know that it was okay and that he would take care of Kai. They left reluctantly and only when Kai heard the sound of the door shutting close, did he dare to look up at Yeonjun and felt a bit of peace for the first time in two days.

“Take a shower first, then we’ll talk” Yeonjun said pecking at Kai’s forehead.

This was going to be a long night.

***

The foggy mirror depicted an image of Kai that he didn’t know existed. His whole cheerful demeanor and innocent look was replaced with bloodshot eyes due to the crying and a sad aura all around him. He felt like someone else.

He exited the bathroom feeling much more comfortable wearing the dry clothes that Yeonjun had brought from his and Taehyun’s room along with the dolphin plushie that Kai loved to sleep with when they were trainees.

When he stepped into the room, he saw that Yeonjun was already under the covers of his bed scrolling through his phone. Kai got closer and climbed on the bed beside the other gaining Yeonjun's attention, who smiled at him and got on a sitting position inviting Kai to do the same.

It was quiet for a moment or two before Yeonjun broke the silence first.

"Do you feel better now?" He asked carefully, not raising his voice a lot so that their conversation would be more private.

"Just a little" Kai shifted awkwardly on his seat. He didn't know if he was ready to do this.

"Kai" Yeonjun approached gently, putting an arm around his shoulders "what happened?"

And there it was, the million-dollar question. Kai himself didn't know how to explain how today's events led to him having a panic attack.

His thoughts and feelings were all over the place, he wasn't sure if he wanted to cry or scream, if he was mad or sad. He felt overwhelmed and frustrated because he couldn't get any words out that even began to explain just how _much_ he felt.

His eyes hurt from crying, but that didn't stop the few tears that fell down his face. He looked at Yeonjun and the other was just there hugging him and slightly rocking them from side to side, patiently waiting for whatever Kai had to say.

"Hyung, everything’s such a mess” Kai said covering his eyes with both his hands.

“I can tell, but why exactly?” Yeonjun encouraged him to talk even further and Kai, for the first time, didn’t hesitate to let it all out.

He began by telling Yeonjun of how worried he was for Soobin, how it was always hard to deal with his night terrors by themselves. They weren’t professionals, they didn’t know how to make Soobin’s fear go away, and it was frustrating because the elder didn’t want to see any more doctors since they all told him the exact same thing and it wasn’t helping at all. _They_ weren’t helping at all. And Kai felt burdened because of it.

He then went on with just how much their talk from the other day had affected him, because it felt like none of his emotions were his and everything was prepared beforehand. If he felt like whether he was happy or sad, the world already knew before him. It was unnerving, really. 

And the cherry on top of it was that even with all of this inside is head, he had to witness two members kissing and then getting the knowledge that they’ve been at ‘something’ for almost a month now.

But when he analyzed it today, after everything Taehyun had said, he realized that the other was right. He wasn’t mad at them. He wasn’t worried about the consequences of what their actions could bring upon them.

Kai knew that deep down he was envious because he couldn’t do the same with the one he loved.

“What, did you just say?” Yeonjun, who had been listening attentively, tensed beside him and Kai knew he had spoken too much.

“Nothing, I don’t-, Hyung I-” Kai tried to mend his words. He hadn’t meant to let that last part out.

“Kai, why are you trying to deny it so badly?” Yeonjun pressed this time and Kai realized that it was now or never.

“Because being in love with him is scary”

“With whom? Hueningkai, who do you love?”

“…Soobin”

Kai broke down the moment he let the truth out. His tears fell heavily on his lap with the weight of a secret he’d kept for way to long.

It wasn't a big deal. It _shouldn't_ be a big deal. Being in love shouldn't be something to have a panic attack over. He was just overreacting and being pathetic.

At least that’s what he expected Yeonjun to say to him, but none of it came.

“Kai, listen to me, if there’s something you need to understand is that love is everything _but_ what you see in the movies. It’s scary and it makes you feel confused, lost and sometimes it makes you question everything you believe in” Yeonjun began explaining and the last sentence rang many bells inside Kai’s mind.

“And I have to be brutally honest with you, when it comes to the life we live, being in love will feel like drowning. You sink deeper and deeper without being able to call for help because it’s all supposed to be a secret”

Kai felt dazed hearing the truth of it all. He knew feeling like this would be nothing but a mistake, that’s why he didn’t want to acknowledge it.

“We don’t live in a fairytale Hueningkai, this is the real world. And you know already know how disgusting and fucked up this place can be”

Of course he knew.

“But” Yeonjun grabbed Kai’s chin so that he was looking up at him and listening very carefully to his words “being in love is also beautiful and something that either way you’d have to experience, whether you like it or not”

Reality then started to sink in. He always heard the phrase of how love doesn’t wait for anyone, it just happens. He never quite understood it until now.

“I just wish it would be easier” Kai laid down on the bed and Yeonjun followed laying on his side to face the younger.

“It never is” He responded quietly with a flash of hurt in his eyes.

“How do you know?” Kai had an idea, but he wanted Yeonjun to tell him for himself.

“I’ll tell you some other time, we’re not talking about me right now”

“…okay”

Kai didn’t want to push any further in fear of upsetting the elder. He pulled the covers over him and grabbed his dolphin plushie ready to sleep, but apparently their conversation wasn’t over.

“When are you going to tell him?” Yeonjun asked in a low voice.

“…I don’t know if I want to” Kai whispered curling in on himself to make himself smaller.

“The thing is, this isn’t a matter of wanting or not Ning. If you keep bottling up something as big as this, what happened today won’t be a one-time occasion”

Kai knew this. And he didn’t know if he was more terrified at the thought of having to go through a panic attack again or confessing to Soobin.

“I’m so afraid hyung. I don’t want to lose him over something as pathetic as this”

“Don’t do that. Ever. Whatever you feel is valid and important Kai. Don’t ever diminish your emotions like that” Yeonjun’s tone was severe making Kai flinch a little. He didn’t want to be scolded anymore.

Yeonjun seemed to notice and immediately got closer to him, moving a hand to his face and caressing Kai’s cheek.

“I’m not saying you have to go and tell him right now, but the sooner the better, for _your_ sake. And don’t think about the outcome, you will never know how he’ll truly respond unless you confess”

Kai half-nodded letting Yeonjun know that he would try his best to follow his advice. The elder didn’t look quiet convinced but decided to drop it there, retrieving his hand only to turn off the light in the nightstand leaving them in complete darkness. There were some other things that needed to be discussed, but not for today.

Right now, Kai only wanted to sleep and escape reality for a little while. He scooted closer to Yeonjun in the bed and snuggled as much as he could beside him, feeling safe in an instant. He needed this.

“Y’know? Even though your physical appearance might say otherwise, on the inside, your body and chest are too small for such a big heart” Yeonjun whispered into the darkness hoping Kai heard him.

And he did, but his mind was too tired to muster a coherent response, falling asleep with dry tears on his cheeks and a sense of comfort inside his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can stop reading when the narration goes "It was overwhelming, to say the least" and then resumen at "His sight cleared in the slightest"  
> It's not really such a big gap, so in case you're not comfortable with reading the scene then you can skip it, always take care <3  
> My poor boy Kai is learning lots of suff and his big bro was there to help him T-T Ngl, i teared up a little writing this one, but things will get better, i promise! see you next time! :*


	5. maybe if you let me love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SKSKSKSK I'm sorry this took so long! But writer's block hit and so I gave myself a little break, but oh boy did I come back with something worth the wait (or at least i hope so hehe)   
> I'm really proud as to how this particular chapter turned out! So I hope you enjoy sweeties! <3   
> As always, the two songs that inspired me to write this whole week, (and that you can listen to when Kai starts playing), are the following:   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doZt9K_RJgg   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wGN7D03Nho

There was a terrible pounding in the back of his head. The bedroom was unfamiliar at first until Kai remembered everything that happened the day before. Again, he found himself urging the tears back, forcing them not to fall; he’d cried just enough, and doing it again would do nothing to solve his problems. He’d just worry Yeonjun and the elder didn’t deserve to carry with someone else’s problems when, Kai figured, he had his baggage to deal with. His mind was still going a bit faster than usual, trying to grasp at the idea of how he had confessed his feelings and just how relieved he felt after doing so.

Maybe he did need to talk with Soobin. Figure how the other _really_ feels.

_‘Right, as if it were that easy’_ Kai thought to himself, rubbing his palms on his swollen and tired eyes.

He looked around taking notice of how Yeonjun was still sound asleep next to him. He was curled up on himself, breathing coming in and out in slowly, his frown barely furrowed as his mind was lost inside a dreamland.

The sky outside was as grey as it had been for the past couple of days and Kai just didn’t feel like getting out of bed to face the others worried and pitiful looks. He was in no state of mind to be overwhelmed this early in the morning. On the other hand, he knew he just couldn’t keep running away from them forever. Especially not from a certain someone.

A grunt escaped him just thinking about the same problem over and over again, so he decided he’d think better with something in his stomach.

Kai got up from the bed careful not to wake Yeonjun up and exited the bedroom going straight for the kitchen. The sight of two very tired members greeted him. Taehyun and Beomgyu both looked like they hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep and Kai confirmed it just by looking at the dark shadow under Beomgyu’s eyes and swollen face of Taehyun, who also had bloodshot eyes and a downcast expression that didn’t fit quite right since that only meant one thing, and Kai couldn’t understand what Taehyun might’ve been crying over.

Beomgyu was throwing himself at Kai’s arms before he was able to register when the other got up from the stool he’d been sitting on “How are you feeling?” He simply asked in a hushed voice as if worried one more decibel would scare Kai away.

“A bit better, sorry for worrying you like that hyung” Kai returned the tight embrace, feeling suddenly ashamed of the others having witnessed his breakdown.

Beomgyu only nodded in denial letting go of Kai “You don’t have to apologize Huening, it’s ok”

Except that it wasn’t. And the absence of one particular member made him feel even guiltier.

He busied himself looking for something to eat on the aisle where there was a plate of pancakes and sliced fruit, his stomach grumbling at the sight reminding him that the last time he ate was yesterday’s morning. He winced at the memory that only brought Soobin back to the front of his thoughts.

He needed to talk with him.

“Where’s Soobin hyung?” The question lingered in the air for a while before Kai felt the atmosphere shift to awkwardness. That wasn’t good.

Kai directed his sight to Beomgyu, who stood still in place with an unreadable expression on his face before quickly composing himself, grabbing an empty plate and stacking a pile of pancakes covered with a generous amount of maple syrup and just a bit of whipped cream.

“He’s still in our room, said he wasn’t feeling good and so now I gotta take breakfast to him” Beomgyu balanced the plate on one hand as he tried to grab a cup of orange juice with the other.

“Ah Hyung, I can give it to him-”

“Nope! It’s ok, I got it”

Beomgyu gave Kai a reassuring look that did nothing to ease the tiniest bit of hurt that crossed his chest. He tried to reason with his own emotions, telling himself that maybe Soobin needed a bit of space to deal with last days’ events on his own accord, and having Kai talk with him now would do more harm than good to both of them.

He tried to convince himself with that and took a seat on a stool, not feeling as hungry as before but knowing he had to eat at least something.

"He doesn't want to see you, I wonder why"

Kai was startled to hear Taehyun's voice, filled with sarcasm so early in the morning.

Right, he needed to speak with him too, but it would be hard if the other was just going to make snappy remarks and reminding Kai that they all felt irritated and most probably exhausted because of him. He didn't need to be reminded once more.

Kai lifted his gaze from his half-eaten pancake and was instantly met with Taehyun's big doe eyes, which looked hollow and void of any emotion that could let on what he was thinking.

Thankfully, Kai knew him well enough to notice that Taehyun was only looking to start an argument to spill everything he thought without showing a vulnerable side of him.

Kai wasn't gonna let that happen, he didn't need any more fights, he just needed back his friend.

"I'm sorry, Taehyun" Kai spoke from the heart, meaning his apology for everything that happened the day before "I shouldn't have said or supposed anything about your relationship with Yeonjun hyung. And I'm also sorry if I worried you yesterday"

Taehyun looked him dead in the eyes, not showing any signs of saying anything, so Kai continued "But I ran because I knew that you were right. I'm a coward that can't come to terms with his own emotions because they're a big responsibility"

"In the end, that's just how I am, isn’t it? Irresponsible and selfish" repeating Soobin's words was like scraping at his skin until it bled "and now I'm also a terrible friend and member"

His gaze lowered to his lap. Kai didn't notice his breathing becoming erratic the more he talked, putting out the insecurities that had plagued his mind maybe for longer than he'd like to admit. He didn't think his eyes could produce any more tears, but they did.

And the drops fell one after the other on his lap, the headache from the morning turning into a possible migraine.

He was a mess and he needed a hug.

When Taehyun didn't respond after what appeared to be a long time, he considered going back to Yeonjun's room to seek for shelter, until something or rather someone, was pressing on his side tightly, wrapping his arms around him.

"You can't even begin to imagine how worried I was. I knew that it was my fault that you ran away and if anything had happened to you…" Taehyun couldn't finish his sentence, his voice hoarse and broken "I'm so sorry Huening"

Kai was quick to get up from his seat to hug Taehyun properly. He could feel the crook of his neck getting wet with Taehyun's tears.

"And just seeing you like that last night…it made me feel even more guilty" Taehyun was taking the blame on causing Kai's panic attack, but the other wasn't having it. They needed to stop pointing fingers and solve things properly.

"Hyunie, by all means, don't think that was your fault, at all" Kai pushed Taehyun by his shoulders to create a small distance so the other could see him properly "This is nobodies fault but mine…"

Taehyun rubbed away a few of his tears "What does that mean?"

"Uhm, maybe let's talk in our room?" Kai suggested looking at the kitchen door knowing that _someone_ could walk in and hear them out.

Taehyun quickly got the hint, so they both went to their shared bedroom to speak with a bit more privacy. Kai sat on the lower bunk and grabbed a plushie, keeping his mind occupied by tugging at the little ears and paws while he thought of how to apologize properly and explain what exactly happened to him last night.

Taehyun locked the door to make sure no one would barge in and took a seat next to Kai, patiently waiting for him to speak first whenever he was ready.

"Okay, so, first of all, I meant my apology. I'm really sorry I treated what you and Yeonjun hyung have as nothing serious. I guess I didn't want to believe it, I sorta panicked" Kai spoke while hugging the stuffed animal close to his chest, trying to protect it from any more harm. 

"But you have to know that I didn't breakdown because of that little fight. What shocked me and made me shy away by literally running, were you stating something as serious as me liking Soobin like it was no big deal"

Taehyun visibly flinched and opened his mouth to speak, but Kai didn't let him do as much "But it is. It is quite the big fucking deal because not only do I like him Taehyun" He took a deep breath "I love him"

Kai didn't think his words made any sense. If he looked back on it, his reaction to everything had been overreacted and it had done lots of damage rather than fixing anything.

Because there he was, the morning after a panic attack, talking with his best friend trying to mend things. And there was also the fact that Soobin was still in his room not even wanting to see or maybe even know anything about the younger.

All of it which could've been avoided had he been a little more mature and in control of his own emotions.

"Stop it" Taehyun reached out to grab Kai's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze "I can hear the gears twisting and breaking in your head. Stop taking the blame all by yourself"

"But I did this…"

"I can assure you that you didn't. Kai, shit happens. What kind of family would we be if mishaps didn't occur every once in a while?" Taehyun said with a lopsided grin, scooting closer to wrap an arm over Kai's shoulders.

He let himself be embraced, allowing Tehyun to comfort him though it was supposed to be the other way around, or so Kai thought.

But screw it, he needed to stop self-deprecating so much and start taking in whatever his members, _his family_ , did to soothe him and bring him back to his senses. They were all pretty good at that.

"I still feel the need to apologize tho" Taehyun said parting from their hug and lowering his gaze to his lap, avoiding Kai's eyes "I should have a filter and notice when my honesty isn't needed. You needed time to sort out your feelings and I kind of pushed you to face them"

Taehyun looked genuinely regretful and Kai didn't even have to think twice before accepting his friend’s apology. Not like he needed one, but he knew that forgiving his friend would make the other feel better and help clear everything between them.

Fortunately, Taehyun didn't push Kai into saying anything more related to Soobin or the whole 'being in love' situation, now knowing that whenever Kai was ready, he'd go to him; or not, which was fine too, but Taehyun would still be there willing to listen if needed.

A much comfortable silence grew between them allowing for the weight of guilt to slip off both their shoulders.

Suddenly, a spark of curiosity flashed through Kai's mind, reminding him of a certain topic "Uhm, Hyunnie? If you don't mind me asking now…what exactly is going on between you and Yeonjun hyung?"

The question seemed to take Taehyun by surprise, opening his eyes a bit wider as a soft pink tainted his cheeks in embarrassment. He'd never been much too keen on the idea of sharing his thoughts or feelings after all.

"We're not dating, if that's what you're asking" Taehyun replied after a few seconds, the light blush still on his cheeks but his voice unwavering.

Kai was confused, but if that were all Taehyun had to say on the matter then he'd drop it "Oh, um, okay"

Taehyun chuckled at Kai's confused face and spoke more openly so the other could understand "We may not be dating, but I think we'd both be lying if we said that we didn't catch feelings along the way"

That made less sense. Weren't two people who liked each other just be together?

"I'm pretty sure last night you talked about something regarding your situation with Yeonjun" Taehyun said accommodating himself better on the bed, so Kai did the same "But this isn't like what you’re experiencing"

Taehyun fidgeted a bit with his hands, once again looking at everything but Kai, a sign that he was nervous.

"Taehyun, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to" Kai rearranged his position so that he was in front of the other rather than by his side "I understand"

"No, it's okay, I've just never told this to anybody besides Jun"

The shortening of Yeonjun's name made Kai's chest swell with fondness. Taehyun didn't do that with the rest of them, he didn't say their names with such an endearing tone. Yeonjun _must_ be a very special exception.

Taehyun seemed to gather his thoughts together and spoke again "A while ago, about four months or so, when we where on break, I was having a hard time, you know how after comeback there's always a type of…uncertainty"

Kai only nodded and Taehyun continued "And so, I found myself digging into the deepest depths of my mind scratching for something to think other than my job. So, I tried focusing on my personal life"

"I contacted and met with a few friends back home and was surprised to know that most of them were in happy and _very_ sappy relationships" Taehyun made a sort of disgusted face, at which Kai chuckled "And as much as I act all grown up and all, I'm still a teen…so I felt a sort of pressure"

"To get in a relationship?" Kai asked, fully immersed in Taehyun's story.

"Yeah, and so the only obvious choice was to date someone" Taehyun stopped the fidgeting and braced his knees to his chest instead "But when I looked, there was no one"

Kai had an idea of where this was going "You mean they rejected you?"

"No, Huening, there was not _one_ person that I liked. Not a girl, not a boy" Taehyun seemed to struggle with words for a moment "I told myself that it was all because I'd never been with someone, so I experimented quite a lot"

Taehyun let the last sentence out in a very quiet voice. It wouldn't take a genius to understand that he felt ashamed.

"I'm making it sound much worse than it is. I just went on dates and kissed a whole bunch of people"

Kai gasped and Taehyun looked alarmed "Sorry, I'm just trying to process how you did that without getting caught"

Thankfully, that made Taehyun laugh a little "I was desperate, not stupid, so don't worry about that"

His laughter died and he looked serious again "Every time I kissed someone, it felt like kissing a wall. And these two times, when things sort of started to escalate, I practically ran away, feeling _utterly_ repulsed"

Kai couldn't help but worry at that, fearing the worse "Did they…?"

"No, I wasn't forced into anything. They weren’t exactly okay with it, but I didn’t care. What mattered to me, was the lack of attraction I felt" 

Taehyun's eyes started to get a bit red and watery, but no tears appeared "I know I've always been a bit cold, distant even, but I just couldn't believe that it would be to that degree. I felt like a freak"

Taehyun closed his eyes tight and draped a hand over his face, maybe trying to suppress the memories of back then. He let out a long sigh and the next time he spoke, he did so with a very tiny smile on his face.

"When we came back from our break, Yeonjun immediately asked me what was wrong. And only God and I know how stubborn and nagging he can get, believe me, I witnessed it firsthand" His smile grew a bit wider, fonder.

"After three days of bothering me, I snapped and told him everything, only to regret it right after" Taehyun said while a stray tear fell down his cheek "You have no idea of the things that crossed my mind at that moment, but I was terrified overall"

Kai didn't dare say anything, carefully placing a hand over one of Taehyun's knees, just a gentle reminder that he was there to listen, not judge.

That seemed to encourage Taehyun, so he took a deep breath and continued "But he only hugged me. He told me everything would be alright and that I shouldn't worry about anything, because now I wasn't alone. And I felt _so_ relieved"

Kai understood perfectly, he knew that for Taehyun, who was so reluctant to opening up, having Yeonjun, his friend, his _family_ , know his biggest secret and accepting him, it had meant the world.

"After that, I don't exactly know when, but he became closer to me, quite literally. He started to ask more frequently about how I was doing or if I needed anything. He also became more physical" Taehyun couldn't help the much more furious blush that rose on his cheeks "He showered me with affection, and that made me remember that I wasn't as heartless as I thought"

"I felt closer to him too. For the first time, I was sharing my thoughts just because I wanted to, not because someone asked. I felt, and still feel, safe with him"

"And then?" Kai couldn't stop himself from asking, his curiosity at its fullest.

"Geez, I'm getting there" Taehyun reached and pinched Kai's cheek "Three weeks ago, we where in his room talking nonsense, and I won't give you any details, but we ended up kissing"

Kai put a hand over his mouth acting surprised, eliciting full-on laughter from Taehyun.

"Shocking, I know" Taehyun said with sarcasm "But that's not the best part…I actually _felt_ something. Like, actual butterflies and all that cheesy stuff you're into"

Kai playfully pushed the other without any force or malice, lightening up the mood.

"Of course, I told Yeonjun at that moment, so it became a part of our routine. Still, when things got a bit, _much_ , I couldn't help but shy away"

"That's completely fine Taehyun, you don't have to do anything you don't want to if you're not ready" Kai immediately chimed in.

"Yeah, that's the thing. I don't think I want to" Taehyun looked up to meet the younger's eyes "Like, ever"

The words took a while to sink in, Kai didn't quite understand what that meant. He'd never met or know of someone who didn't have any sexual interest.

"I told Yeonjun as much one day, afraid of his reaction, but he knew what was going on better than me" Taehyun spoke with a certain hint of amusement.

"There's a term for it, did you know? Apparently, I'm asexual or, demisexual, something along the line"

Kai had never heard of it, so Taehyun elaborated a bit more "I did my research and I'm not the only one. And it’s nothing bad either, it just means I don’t feel any sexual attraction towards, well, anyone or anything”

He laughed a bit nervously, but Kai didn’t ask about it, instead, redirected the conversation "And Yeonjun hyung? How did he react?"

"I won't use his exact words, because my god I didn’t think he had it in him to be so corny”

Kai only laughed at that; he couldn't picture Yeonjun saying all sorts of cheesy stuff.

"But basically he's just too whipped for me to care about it" Taehyun said feeling way too fond of their eldest "And I'm not exactly sure how long this will last, but he helped me figured out a big part of myself and I guess I feel a bit more than platonic love as of right now to let go"

“So…are you happy now?” Kai asked, curious to know if all the hardships had been worth it in the end.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

Come to think of it, it really was. Not only because Taehyun seemed more at ease with himself, but the mere fact that he was willing to share things like this, deciding to speak out instead of keeping it all to himself, it was such an improvement, and he just looked happier. Maybe Kai could learn from him.

By the time they got out of their room, Taehyun went straight for Yeonjun’s room, and once again Kai was left to his own devices to figure out how to solve his biggest problem.

Soobin was still in his room, presumably with Beomgyu, so he would only have to wait until the elder decided to come out and then Kai would have a chance to talk properly with him.

He just needed to back out for a while.

***

The thing is that ‘a while’, turned out to be a handful of two days. To say that Kai was on edge, biting his nails to the cuticle waiting for Soobin to come out of his room, would be a pretty accurate guess. He was worried out of his guts, had he messed up that horribly? The others had sensed his discomfort and tried to help by saying that Soobin was like that, he tended to shut off the world to focus, but Kai wasn’t buying it.

He knew Soobin perfectly, and if anything, when things were hard or something was bothering him, he’d play it off and brushed everyone’s concerns away, which in retrospect, wasn’t any better, but still, he would never lock himself in his room only allowing Beomgyu to see him. Not even Yeonjun was able to do something about it.

So, he waited, almost puling at his hair, but he did. Kai wasn’t aware of just how used to Soobin’s presence he was until those two days passed and he was a complete mess, his anxiety reaching its peak.

He wasn’t able to sleep well, missing a certain warmth by his side. His mood was all over the place, going from moping on the couch to getting mad at the others for no particular reason. Well, that wasn’t exactly true, he was mostly envious of Yeonjun and Taehyun’s relationship, the way the looked at each other with heart eyes and everything; it made his heartache and yearn for a similar thing. And as for Beomgyu, Kai wasn’t envious, he was _jealous._

At first, it was because he was the only one allowed to see Soobin and take care of him in his sulking state. But it all became worse on the third night when Soobin had another terror.

Kai hadn’t even been asleep, so when he heard the pained and fearful screams, he dashed out of his room going for the one at the end of the hallway, only to found out that the door was locked.

"Hyung, open the door" Kai pleaded after knocking without getting any response, just the crying coming from inside audible.

Yeonjun stepped out of his room then, sluggishly with sleep, but still managing to look a bit intimidating and angry, probably since Beomgyu wasn't budging and Kai just stood there looking miserable and helpless in the hallway, at least the distressful noises from inside had diminished to nothing but sobs.

"Beomgyu, open up right now" It was rare to see Yeonjun use a serious tone with any of them, but when he did, the others didn't have to think twice before doing as they were told.

This time wasn't an exception. Beomgyu opened the door slowly, allowing for the other two to see him properly but still not letting them enter the room.

"It's ok, he calmed down" Beomgyu's voice was flat and unreadable, clearly exhausted.

"Great, now let us in" Yeonjun didn't wait for a reply before entering with Kai behind him.

Soobin was shuffling a bit on his bed, sobbing in his sleep, Beomgyu hurried by his side and petted his hair until his nightmare completely passed and soon enough, he was profoundly asleep.

Kai felt a pressure in his chest at the sight. It was a good thing that Beomgyu had been able to shake him out of his terror, but that also meant Soobin didn't need him to do it anymore. The thought, as weird as it was, made Kai's heart fill with sorrow.

Yeonjun noticed the hurt on his face and gave him a pitiful look.

"Gyu, what's going on with him? What's bothering him so much?" Yeonjun asked in a softer voice, but Beomgyu still seemed to struggle to get the words out.

So, he only looked straight at the youngest, and suddenly it all made sense.

Kai knew he had had several arguments with Soobin back in the day, but none of them had been serious, or so the eldest had said as much, always telling everyone that no matter what Kai did, he could never stay or even be mad at him.

Apparently, this time was the exception, maybe Soobin finally realized just how much of a nuisance Kai was. Immature and inexperienced, a spoiled kid who always got away with everything.

But not this time, because the one thing, the one _person_ he had wanted the most in this world, was avoiding him. Rejecting him.

"Kai…" Yeonjun called for him, but it was useless as he was already leaving for his bedroom.

Taehyun was wide awake and pacing a bit inside their room, most likely waiting to hear from Soobin, when Kai pulled him for a hug seeking comfort in his best friend. The other didn't ask and just complied, leading them to the bed to lay down together.

Kai e didn't want to think anymore, he really didn't. But those same thoughts kept coming back again and again.

Maybe this time he had lost the person he loved.

What was he supposed to do now?

***

Morning came and things weren’t any better.

During breakfast, none of them spoke a word, the tension almost tangible in the air, waiting to explode any minute. When they were trainees, walking on eggshells all around each other was normal given that they just didn’t know the others much, but of course this time it was different.

The problem was that no matter how they faced or assessed the problem, Kai knew that a part of their relationship as a team would remain broken since two of the members, who had been the inseparable gums, were now pretty much apart and not on speaking terms.

Taehyun thought he was just exaggerating, since there was no actual force in the universe that could separate those two. Kai wasn’t so sure anymore.

He could still feel the constant pressure in his chest, demanding attention. His anxiety spiking up with every passing minute and he felt trapped since he couldn’t even get a moment for himself in the dorm to _think_ straight. Taehyun and Yeonjun were by his side almost all the time asking if he was okay, and as much as he appreciated it, he needed time for himself for the first time in about a week.

So, like the musician he was, he turned to music to vent his feelings out.

He used the time when the other three had settled in the living room to watch some drama, so Kai could be alone in his room for a while.

He grabbed his guitar and started playing random melodies getting used to the feeling of the instrument again after such a long time without using it.

Kai could already feel a bit of the stress and exhaustion leaving his body as the music floated through the room without no one to listen but him. However, the distraction was only fully effective when he started playing and singing to some songs he remembered covering with his sister's back in the day.

His father would always record them proudly, such a wide smile on his face as he saw his kids taking after him in the passion for music. It was simple to love everything about the art, at least it was for Kai, it soothed him to find words and melodies that related to his situation so much, making him feel less lonely.

With that in mind, a particular song appeared in the back of his head, like popping out of a drawer and saying, 'play me!'. It was nothing special, really, but the lyrics were pretty and spoke about wanting to let go but not being able to.

Kai searched online for the chords and started playing the familiar tone from his early teenage years.

_Don't try to make me stay, or ask if I'm ok_

_I don't have the answer_

_Don't make me stay the night, or ask if I'm alright_

_I don't have the answer_

The first verse struck a nerve within him. Because he wished he had the answer to all of his problems and never have to suffer again.

_Heartache doesn't last forever_

_I'll say I'm fine_

_Midnight ain't no time for laughing_

_When you say goodbye_

Hopefully, he wouldn't.

_It makes your lips so kissable_

_And your kiss unmissable_

_Your fingertips so touchable_

_And your eyes…_

_Irresistible_

The lyrics flowed like saltwater through his mouth, leaving a bittersweet aftertaste.

_I've tried to ask myself_

_Should I see someone else?_

_I wish I knew the answer…_

He did know, he didn't want anybody else. It would all lead to _him_ in the end.

_Midnight doesn't last forever_

_Dark turns to light_

That sparked a little bit of hope.

As the song reached its end, and the few chords remained like an echo in the little room, Kai felt a bit more at ease with himself.

Music was such a medicine. It numbed all of his senses, which is why he never heard the door open nor did he notice the presence of someone watching him.

So, when he stood up to place the guitar back in its case, he was caught off guard at the sight of Soobin.

They didn't move, and Kai wasn't exactly sure of what to do besides stand there awkwardly expecting Soobin to say something first because there had to be a reason as to why he was there.

Kai's negative thoughts didn't appear this time, a voice in the back of his head, way too similar to Yeonjun's, reminding him that he couldn't know the outcome of anything unless he acted. And he was about to when Soobin beat him to it.

"I'm sorry" Soobin's voice came out strained and painfully dry, maybe because he hadn't used it much in days.

Kai wasn't sure if he was supposed to reply with something, knowing that the elder had much more to say.

"Huening…I'm really sorry" Soobin started tearing up "I-I don't know why...I didn't m-mean to…"

He struggled with the words, looking at the ground, way too lost to give a coherent explanation for his behavior, but Kai just wasn't able to stand in his place any longer and watch the other crumble in front of him.

Without missing a beat, Kai closed the distance between them and hugged Soobin with all his might, feeling his heart hum in content at being with the person he loved.

Soobin didn't hold back and allowed himself to cry on Kai's shoulder as he returned the hug with the same amount of affection.

Kai didn't need words to understand his regret. It was clear in the way his eyes poured like the rain outside, it was clear in how he held Kai with such care, trying not to hurt him anymore.

"Please don't leave me…" Soobin managed to say between loud sobs and the constant sniffling of his running nose.

Kai felt a sense of déjà vu at the pleading. And then he remembered, how about four nights ago, when the storm had barely started - ironically so, Soobin had woken up from a nightmare in which the younger left him.

_'Because I broke your trust'_

Soobin had feared that his nightmare was becoming a reality.

But Kai wasn't about to let him think that.

"Soobin, I'm not leaving…w-we just need to talk, okay? It'll be alright" Kai petted the purple locks, feeling his voice quaver a bit.

Soobin hummed in agreement, not entirely convinced that things would suddenly get better, which of course they weren't going to, but they had to start somewhere.

Kai didn't let go of their embrace even as he locked the door, guiding them to bed to lay down. Somehow, Kai had figured, it was easy to speak with a pillow under his head.

It wasn't until that very moment when he was able to take notice of Soobin's appearance. Dark prominent circles accompanied with heavy bags surrounded his eyes, the clothes all wrinkled and with just a few stains meaning he hadn't changed them anytime recently. He was a bit thinner as well and his skin was paler than usual.

In sum, he looked terrible. Not like Kai was any better, but he was sure that he didn't look the same as Soobin.

_'Alright, no more delaying the inevitable'_ Kai told himself, making sure that Soobin was calmer before they could engage in a real conversation.

The younger shuffled a bit, searching for the right words in his mind.

"I'm sorry too, Soobinie, for running away that time and worrying you so much…" That was a good enough start.

Soobin hid his face in the pillow at the mention of what happened that day “I shouldn’t have yelled at you or call you the way I did”

Kai knew what he was referring to, a bit thankful that he hadn’t repeated the same words since they still hurt.

“I never intended to trigger a panic attack on you. I didn’t know how much I hurt you until the damage was already done. And when you decided to stay with Yeonjun that night…it just felt like you definitely didn’t want to see me…and I didn’t know for how long either”

So that’s why he had locked himself in his room.

However, that hadn’t been the wisest decision. In retrospect, none of the decisions they took had been beneficial for any of them. Kai was sure to tell Soobin as much.

“I understand why you thought that was the best choice, but you have no idea how that affected me. Because of it, I thought it was the other way around and that _you_ were the one who didn’t want to see me”

Soobin frowned and looked up at him, and Kai couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself anymore.

“And it was hard enough to deal with the fact that Taehyun was mad at me, so imagine how I felt when I thought you were too. And not being able to go to you the morning after when I needed comfort from _my_ safe place the most _,_ or when you had another nightmare and I wasn’t the one to console you”

“I-I just…I felt terrible”

By this point, Kai was _sick_ of crying. Still, he didn’t nor want to stop the shed of tears, because maybe he wasn’t only crying for this particular situation, but he wouldn’t dig deeper into that hole right now.

Soobin lowered his gaze “I’m sorry…” Was all he could muster, feeling ashamed for his actions and hurting the younger above all.

Kai only sighed and lifted a shaky hand to Soobin’s cheek, gently caressing the soft skin.

“You don’t have to apologize, just… don’t do that again”

Soobin nodded, leaning more into the contact.

They remained silent for a while, Kai taking in the warmth he had missed so much now beside him. Both also still processing what had been said, the atmosphere too fragile to do any other thing besides being there for each other.

It gave Kai some peace of mind, now feeling the exhaustion from the sleepless nights catching up to him. However, he didn’t get to fully close his eyes when he heard Soobin speaking with a much more relaxed tone while petting at the younger’s hair.

“You’re my safe place too, Huening”

Kai was sure his heart stopped beating for a moment as Soobin pulled him closer and started peppering kisses all over his face.

He felt warmth rising to his cheeks and ears, his chest swelling up a little and the butterflies in his stomach going crazy at the sign of affection and Soobin’s words. Kai could feel the other’s plush lips on his forehead, his chin, his cheeks, even his now closed eyelids due to the embarrassment.

Kai was unable to get any words out and his mind stopped thinking when the last kiss landed on the tip of his nose.

Soobin didn’t back out immediately, his breathing brushing over Kai’s lips.

They could’ve kissed, right then and there, but it wouldn’t be right.

Kai knew they were both in a very vulnerable state and doing that could end up only confusing Soobin.

So, gentle as he was, Kai pulled back and knew he had made the right choice when he saw Soobin’s unsure face, slowly realizing that whatever had crossed his mind was probably not a good idea.

“I’m not leaving Soobinie, you don’t have to do anything to make me stay” Kai placed his hand between them, sticking his pinky out “I promised”

Soobin smiled, the gesture not quite reaching his eyes, but it was still enough to show his dimples. He linked his pinky with Kai’s, making a promise of his own.

“I’m not leaving either”

It was all Kai needed to hear.

The soft knocking on the door brought them back to reality. Kai got up the bed and unlocked the door to allow whoever was behind it to enter.

Beomgyu was the one to open the door, going inside the room and looking awkwardly between Kai and Soobin “Are you guys alright now?”

“Even better” Came Soobin’s response as he dragged his body out of bed and going straight for the younger, placing an arm around his shoulders.

“Thank God!” Beomgyu visibly relaxed and went back to his usual loud self “If that’s the case, are you two up for a game night? I found all of our old board games!”

Kai didn’t even have to think twice before agreeing and so did Soobin. Beomgyu was way too pleased to hear that and practically dragged them into the living room where Taehyun and Yeonjun were already waiting.

Game night after everything that had happened the last few days could be the perfect reset to their friendship and teamwork.

And maybe the start to other dynamics as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW WAS THAT A RIDE :DDDD   
> Honestly, i wasn't lying when I said things would get better, the next two chapters (omg we're almost at the end) will tie up all the loose ends and bring joy! So stay tuned <3   
> I really enjoy reading your nice comments, they help me get motivation, so thanks a lot for that, i mean it <3   
> ANYGAYS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!! 
> 
> p.s: here's my tumblr if any of you feel like communicating w/ me >3< @darycheshire


	6. i can make your demons go away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BET Y'ALL THOUGHT I WAS DEAD (andithinkiwasforabitbutthatisbesidesthepoint) BUT HERE I AM AGAIN!!!   
> Ok ok, I'll try to be quick since probs you just want to read the chapter right away but hear me out for a sec!   
> It's been a month and a half since i last updated and I want to deeply apologize for keeping you guys waiting for so long. The thing is, since i'm writing this fic from my own experience dealing with mental health and stuff, i wanted to make it as accurate as possible, which caused my poor brain a bit of trouble.   
> I'll explain more at the end, but for now, know that after struggling for such a long time, i've finally finished writing the penultimate chapter for Weathering With You! Yey! :D  
> So, with that said, I truly hope you enjoy it as much as i did! <3 
> 
> This time, if you want to suffer the way i did, THIS is the playlist that actually helped me and kept inspiring me to write this very special chapter! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0cBwhUxpyOv52HQXsvVbyq?si=MR4cxy9BReOduK-z1a1izA
> 
> P.S: For extra feels, listen to "Little Do You Know" when you're near the ending ;) 
> 
> JSJSJSJSJJS ENJOY DARLINGS! <3

"Kai, don't move"

"I-i wasn't planning on it," Kai said with a strained voice from the effort.

"I'll make it better, just hang on" Soobin tried to move slightly but that only ended up hurting Kai.

"Ah! Wait, I'm gonna-"

Kai collapsed on top of Soobin and an echo of boisterous laughter could be heard from their companions at their clumsiness.

"I told you to give up, yet you wouldn't listen!" Beomgyu spoke cheerfully and giddy with excitement at seeing both of them fail in their twister match.

"I was so close to winning" Kai pouted and looked at Soobin with a stern look on his face just to let the elder know that it was his fault.

"No, you weren't, we both suck, now get up" Soobin contradicted and laughed whilst getting both of them up from the floor, putting the colorful mat aside.

Kai didn't argue back because he knew that the other was right, not like he was mad to begin with. How could he be? Everything felt _normal_ for the first time in a week and he wasn't about to ruin the mood because of a dumb game.

Beomgyu's idea to have a game night had been successful so far. After Kai and Soobin talked things through, the tension was still palpable between the five of them somehow, as if they knew that there was still a problem that none of them were addressing, and so during their first match of Jenga there was barely any exchange of words until Taehyun sneezed and caused Yeonjun to lose his perfect focus, making the tower fall. Such a minuscule act broke the tension around them and so everyone began to loosen up little by little.

Kai was surprised to find that Beomgyu really dug up all their old board games from their trainee years and he enjoyed the feeling of being able to play with all of them again after what appeared to be such a long time. They had headbands, some Disney trivia Kai had brought from his home a few years ago, monopoly and a very upgraded, much intense, version of connect four -which was discarded a few minutes during their second match before someone would pull an eye out of the other.

But apart from the fact that they were jokingly throwing empty threats to beat each other up, their time was spent between loud laughs and cheerful banter. They were having fun, like the boys they were, and Kai couldn't have been happier about it.

He felt fuzzy and comfortable being able to speak about trivial things and teasing the others at every opportunity he got. It felt _good_ to have a time like this after shedding so many tears.

Kai could also tell the others felt the same, their demeanors speaking for themselves. Even when Yeonjun and Taehyun had sent him a few knowing looks throughout the night, he only smiled back to reassure them that everything was okay. He now knew what he was doing, and he wasn't going to run away anymore.

Because while everything was fun and jokes, Kai still felt that tiny voice at the back of his head that reminded him of the only thing that had left remained unsaid in the bedroom. But it hadn't been the time.

_‘I'll find the right moment'_

Kai wasn't quite sure of when that would be, but he had a good hunch that when he saw the opportunity, he would take it.

His mind and heart were resolved at last.

After the twister mat and roulette were discarded along with the other games the five of them had played throughout the evening, Beomgyu urged them to take a seat on the floor -in a circle, to be more precise- saying that he had the perfect idea to end the night.

Kai didn't hesitate to sit on the right next to Soobin. Yeonjun soon a seat next to the youngest and Taehyun followed, leaving a space between him and Soobin for Beomgyu, who had left for the kitchen to go and grab something.

When he came back, Kai laughed at the other since Beomgyu was trying to balance five glasses and two bottles of juice in his arms in a very precarious way. Managing to place everything on the ground with Yeonjun's help, Beomgyu then let out a peal of excited yet malicious laughter and maybe everyone in the room wasn't so sure about this game anymore.

Taehyun, done with Beomgyu as always, spoke first "Wow hyung, every day I'm more impressed by your lack of creativity. I mean, 'never have I ever'? _Really_?"

"You are no fun Taehyun, we've actually never done this before! What type of group of friends are we if we don't play this at least once?" Beomgyu sat down next to Taehyun, pinching his cheeks

The younger let out an annoyed sigh and smacked Beomgyu's hand away "I never said I didn't want to play"

Taehyun smirked and Yeonjun only looked at him with surprised eyes but nodded in the end "I'm in too, but I'm the only one allowed to ask anything related to funny businesses"

"Boo, you're no fun either" Beomgyu scoffed.

Kai could see the way Soobin reddened at their eldest comment before agreeing to play as well. Kai didn't even need to confirm and went straight to pour himself a full glass of grape juice making the others woo at his confidence.

It was just a game after all, what could possibly go wrong?

***

Kai was burning up. Both from his embarrassment and the second-hand one he was getting from his members.

Several anecdotes and secrets were being shared and the youngest couldn't handle nor digest it all in the spawn of only an hour and a half.

However, no matter how embarrassing or even sometimes humiliating, the things they confessed about themselves were, the rush and excitement at the sight of someone lifting their glass at a particular question was worth it all. Or well, at least worth something.

"I really hope nobody finds those pictures, ever" Spoke Beomgyu through the hands covering his whole face in shame, not being able to look at any of them in the eye.

"I'll do everything in my power to find them hyung, don't worry" Taehyun said recovering from his fit of laughter at the other's confession.

Beomgyu gave him a look of disbelief "Why am I friends with you?"

Taehyun only shrugged and Beomgyu sighed in defeat, only to contrast it almost immediately with a softer look as he glanced at everyone in the room.

"Alright, we've had our fun, but it's time to get a bit serious" Beomgyu said while filling his glass almost to the brim.

"Never have I ever," A dramatic pause before dropping the bomb "been in love"

Kai almost chocked hearing the 'question' and quickly scanned the other's faces just to make sure he wasn't the only one shocked.

Taehyun seemed quite relaxed and not at all faced by the question and by his side Yeonjun didn't look that affected either, maybe a bit taken off guard and with a slight blush on his face, but still the eldest nonchalantly took his glass and raised it to his lips taking a long gulp.

Kai was a bit surprised at first, thinking of a young Yeonjun being innocently in love with some girl or boy; however, as he observed how the scene unfolded in front of him, the way Taehyun's eyes widened in surprise at his companions' unspoken confession, that was enough for Kai to understand that maybe Yeonjun wasn't drinking in the name of one love from years ago.

More like a much recent one.

Beomgyu was dumbfounded but made no comments as he too sipped from his glass, avoiding eye contact after placing his drink on the floor again. Kai's jaw would've dropped to the ground had it not been glued to his skull.

He was curious, but he wouldn't pry. Not right now at least.

He felt a couple of eyes on him that belonged to the couple sitting next to him and knew what they were waiting for.

_‘Fuck it’_

Kai downed his entire glass and could see the satisfied smile on Taehyun's face as he did so, once again not commenting anything. On the other hand, Beomgyu was scandalized.

"Sweet Jesus! Kai Kamal Huening, I thought you were pure and innocent" Beomgyu put a hand on his chest dramatically.

Kai laughed quietly "I still am hyung, how about you?"

Beomgyu's cheeks turned crimson and lifted the now empty juice box to throw it at the younger, who dodged it with grace "You brat, of course I am!"

They went back and forth teasing each other for a while until Kai noticed something important that made the ache in his heart return.

Soobin was sitting still in place, glass still full, fidgeting with his hands and bouncing his right leg, a clear sign that he has either nervous or uncomfortable. It took Kai seconds to realize something was wrong and that something was bothering the other. Was it the question? Did he feel pressured somehow?

Before he could voice any of his concerns, Yeonjun began to stand up picking up the glasses and empty juice boxes "Alright, I think we should wrap it here, honestly, I feel quite exhausted and my sleep-deprived self is bound to let some things slip if you keep asking questions"

Beomgyu pouted but got up nonetheless "Okay fine, good for you that I'm tired as well, but it was fun, right?"

He looked at the other four and despite Kai's concern for Soobin, he smiled at Beomgyu genuinely "It really was, thank you for this hyung"

"I have to admit that this was refreshing, I needed a laugh to reset my mind" Beomgyu confessed "Things have been… _hectic_ lately and I just wanted to be able to share something with all of you again"

There was a silence that followed Beomgyu's words making Kai and the others feel conscious as to how affected Beomgyu was, and not exactly because of the events from the past week, but rather the stress that had built up over the months due to their comeback and many other things that they didn’t have the time to discuss but created a sort of gap between them all.

They were close, they loved each other, and although they were together most of the time, it didn’t mean that they could speak openly about the things that burdened them at every chance they got. Sometimes, things would just pile up until one of them eventually snapped, but that wasn’t healthy nor right.

Yeonjun appeared to be on the same train of thought as Kai and decided to address the situation in case anything was going on “We’ll be alright Gyu, but if anything’s wrong you should come to us. Actually,” He glanced at Soobin " _All_ of us need to get better at this communicating thing, we're a team and a family, got it?"

Everyone nodded and silently agreed to be upfront about what was going on inside their minds rather than bottling it all up -Kai had been familiar with the feeling and he knew for sure now that he wouldn't like to experience anything similar ever.

Beomgyu seemed to be more relaxed and calm as he walked to his bedroom yawning "Well, I'm heading to bed" He only paid Kai a sort of knowing look and opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it again opting to stay silent.

Kai would've been curious and ask Beomgyu to say what that was about had he not been occupied with looking after a very tired and nervous-looking Soobin.

They were still on the floor as Yeonjun and Taehyun collected the boardgames and trash, going back and forth between the kitchen and their closet that was meant for storage.

They weren't paying attention to them, so Kai took the opportunity and slid closer to Soobin, linking his arm with the other's own.

"Is everything all right?" Kai asked in a whisper, leaning his head on Soobin's shoulder and looking up to meet the other’s gaze.

The elder took only a few seconds before responding "Yeah, I'm just _really_ exhausted and worn out" He turned to look at Kai and provided a soft smile.

Of course, Kai wasn't entirely convinced but couldn't ask more questions as Yeonjun started nagging at them for not helping with the cleaning of their mess.

Soobin patted his head and signaled for them to get up and help the others. Kai only let out a sigh and decided to give the other some space if needed, their 'argument', or whatever it had been, was still fresh and he knew that prying right now would get him nowhere.

Kai could wait for Soobin to come to him, he would always wait.

***

There was a bit of not-so-subtle ruffling in the sheets. The rain outside, barely murmuring with the lightest taps on his window, didn't cover the audible sound of steps inside the bedroom.

Kai woke up with difficulty and had only half a mind to discern the figure by his bunk bed, not recognizing it at first. Only when the covers lifted and the person slid under them by his side, embracing him with cold arms and a scent of lavender that filled his lungs making him feel warm all over, did he know who was with him.

He could feel the other snuggling closer, resting his head on the crook of his neck and leaving a soft peck on the bare skin.

He wasn't dreaming, right?

Kai opened his eyes fully and even though Soobin's face was hidden in the darkness of the room, he could still tell the other was blushing.

"I thought you were asleep…" The elder mumbled in a low and shy voice.

Kai hummed a bit and lifted his head a bit to look at the clock. It was 3 am.

"I was" He replied eventually, surprising Soobin by hugging him "God, why are you so cold?"

"Not sure…" The other allowed himself to be embraced like that, without saying anything else.

They stayed in that position for quite a while, holding each other and Kai couldn't have been more grateful that this time Soobin woke up only because he wanted to sleep with him and not because of another nightmare.

He was starting to doze off again hearing Soobin's soft breathing until the elder broke the silence with a tender and quiet voice.

"Huening...do you ever wonder or worry about the future?"

Kai didn't look up, quite surprised at the sudden question "Where is this coming from?"

"I don't know, I just can't sleep and hearing you talk soothes me"

Kai tried not to look too affected at the compliment and replied instead "Well…in all honesty, I try not to think too much about it. I tend to overthink and end up with tangled thoughts"

"Hmm" Soobin was pensive for a moment, shifting to create a bit of a gap between them so that he could look at Kai in the eye even through the darkness.

"What about you? What worries you about your future?"

Soobin replied slowly, processing his words before letting them out "…I'm wary of many things that could happen. It feels like I'm constantly on the lookout to take the right step and not make any mistakes"

Kai could relate to the feeling. Having people that weren’t even fans know about their every move made them much more careful of everything they did. However…

"I get it hyung, but still, you're human. You _will_ make mistakes and learn from them like you always have. Besides! What's the worst thing that could happen? You tripping on stage? Please, even that happens to our seniors, and I won't lie to you, the compilations are quite funny" Kai said with a chuckle at the end that Soobin reciprocated.

He was happy to distract the other's mind from the negative thoughts even if for a moment "Yeah, I guess you're right Ning"

"Of course I'm right! I'm smarter than you think"

"Ugh, now I don't know about that" Soobin made a grimace and earned a light push from Kai on his shoulder, snuggling closer to the elder again.

"By the way," Soobin spoke in such a soft tone that almost had Kai falling asleep at the moment "about earlier when we were playing…"

The sentence hung in the air and Kai only hummed for Soobin to continue.

"Is it true?" Soobin paused for a while and Kai could _feel_ the way his heartbeat accelerated "Have you ever been in love?'

Oh.

Well, Kai wasn't expecting that. His heartbeat picked up with Soobin's own pace as a wave of nervousness washed over him.

"Yeah, it's true" He replied still hiding on the other's chest, knowing that if he spared him a look his face would give everything away.

"Oh…do I know them?"

Kai tried his best to suppress the shy smile that threatened to form "Yup, better than you think"

Soobin tensed a bit and his voice trembled a bit as he asked, "Is it Yeonjun hyung?"

_Dear lord_

Kai laughed obnoxiously loud at first before covering his mouth with his hand aware that he could wake the others up. Soobin asked him with what was so funny with a tone beyond confusion and Kai only laughed harder.

Soobin was very, very smart, but he was also very oblivious.

Kai sobered up before providing a coherent answer "Oh my god no! Do you think my taste is _that_ bad?"

Soobin relaxed if only a little to laugh at Kai's disrespect for their eldest "Sorry, I-I just assumed since, well…actually I don't even know how I came to that conclusion"

Kai felt the immediate relief as he listened again to the steady beats of Soobin's heart, his breathing, which got heavier by the minute, and the hand on the younger’s head petting softly.

"So," Soobin asked shyly "how does it feel?"

_‘That's a really good question’_

Kai tried to go through what he had felt over the years as he fell slowly for the one beside him. It had been so much that he even had a mental breakdown because of it.

"It's overwhelming" Kai settled on saying "B-but in a good way? I really don't know how to explain it"

Soobin must've sensed his conflict and interrupted his rambling "It's okay, I kind of get it"

Kai wanted to reply or keep the conversation flowing, maybe to find the courage and the moment to finally say those three words out loud, but all thoughts were blurred as he yawned loudly, which made Soobin giggle.

"Maybe we should sleep"

Kai only had half a mind to nod as his mind slowly drifted off to sleep. A few beats passed and then he could hear Soobin humming what appeared to be a lullaby.

_His lullaby._

The familiar song had an instant effect, maybe the result of conditioning from when he was a child, but still his mind filled with cotton as the melodious voice send him off to his subconscious.

"Huening?"

Kai felt the puff of air against his hair as Soobin called out for his name, but his mind was mostly unconscious to formulate any coherent answer or even hum. As he was about to fall asleep, everything felt much softer. The covers, the pillow, the rain outside, and even Soobin's voice were like feathers tingling at his senses.

Dreams forming in the back of his head, Kai thought he was asleep.

"…Ning, I…"

Something was said, but the words faded in the background of his blurry mind as if they had never been spoken.

***

The storm had passed. Or well, rather the dangerous one since the weather was still cold and rainy but manageable for anyone’s day to day life.

It took another two days of them being in lockdown until the media said that all danger was gone now, so everyone could return to their normal activities. Kai, Taehyun, and Beomgyu weren’t exactly thrilled to have to go back to school, but it was still better than just staying home doing nothing.

Their manager had made sure to inform them of their new schedule which was packed to make up for the missing time, and when it came to their careers, time was literally money, so they had a lot of catching up to do.

Things were alright for the most part. Kai could see the typical levels of stress and nervousness that came with a comeback starting to rise in different levels and ways on each of his members. Taehyun and Beomgyu were seen practicing their lines and vocals all the time, the former was also spending more time at the company gym as a way to release his energy accompanied by Yeonjun, who was also practicing non-stop but adding extra hours of dancing to his routine.

Kai and Soobin would join them all in their extra activities and efforts to make their comeback close to perfection. Being kept occupied with work, Kai didn’t even have time to think about the growing feelings bubbling up within him, but he had to ignore them in favor of not messing up during practice or recordings which, he noticed, were increasing in difficulty the more they advanced the ladder.

It was exhausting, but it didn’t compare to the accomplishment they felt after the album and promotions were out. In the end, everything was worth it.

Only that this time, the consequences of overworking were surpassing the final reward.

Kai couldn’t exactly pinpoint when he first saw Soobin pulling an all-nighter in the living room, monitoring their dance practice or his vocals in certain songs. Kai hadn’t been particularly worried since they all did that sometimes, maybe Beomgyu more so than the rest of them, but still, it was ‘normal’.

What wasn’t normal was the fact that Soobin was sleeping less and less. Kai knew that those times he or Taehyun woke up and saw Soobin ready for the day meant that the other hadn’t even caught a glimpse of sleep in the night.

Yeonjun commented on it one time when Soobin fell asleep in the lounge room and arrived late for practice. Soobin apologized to their dance teacher and promised Yeonjun to try and get some proper sleep.

But that wasn’t happening and it was evident in just how tired he looked with every passing day, drained from energy and panting for air early in the choreographies or vocal lessons, taking any chance or break they had to recover even if just a little with power naps or just laying down. Kai didn’t miss the way Soobin was being much more fidgety than usual and that even during his short rests, the elder would slightly jump or tremble, similar to when he had a nightmare but with less of an impact since he wouldn’t, thankfully, wake up screaming or crying.

And Kai had asked, he _tried_ to get through Soobin and figure out why he was so on edge since it was unlike him. Comeback or not, Soobin would never deprive himself of sleeping or eating.

_Or maybe he did_ , and Kai just hadn’t notice.

Whatever the case, the younger only got a gentle smile and a pet on his hair from the elder whenever he voiced how worried he was, Soobin wouldn’t budge and instead just replying with the same worn-out phrase of “Everything’s alright Kai, you don’t have to worry about me”

Oh, but Kai was preoccupied, very much so.

Even more so when Soobin was beginning to sleep again after their manager intervened and scolded him for not taking better care of his health, and the night terrors reappeared almost eating him alive. Or so Kai thought whenever he heard the distressed whimpering accompanied with the way the elder hold on to him for dear life almost every night.

Soobin was deeply scared for something, Kai realized.

However, as much as he feared what could be able to provoke such an intense reaction, he needed to do something about it.

***

The dull grey color and cold air that resembled morning breeze, even though it was noon, was something all of them had started to get used to.

Kai didn't particularly like this type of gloomy weather, much less when it resembled his emotions.

"You know? I've never really liked rain up until I moved to Seoul" Beomgyu's voice suddenly spoke up interrupting Kai's train of thought.

"I know, you've mentioned it before" Was Kai's dry reply.

They were in the van, their manager behind the wheel as the three of them waited outside of the school's main building for Taehyun, who had gone back to retrieve something from his locker. Small raindrops started to gently tap on the window by his right and Kai let out a long and exhausted sigh as he rested his head on the tainted glass.

He wasn't feeling good. His muscles felt sore, his back tense and his eyelids heavy due to the lack of proper sleep.

Taking care of Soobin was taking a toll on them all, but mostly on Kai. Having to stay awake until the elder concealed sleep, making sure he was eating at least two meals a day, and staying hydrated while also taking care of his own well-being wasn't an easy task. But Kai wasn't complaining about that, he would do anything for Soobin, and this was barely anything. However, there lied the problem, he felt like he wasn't doing _enough_ to actually help, because even after everything Soobin was going through and Kai showing him that he was there, always would be, the elder wouldn't open up about what was eating his mind alive.

It hurt quite badly having to stay idle, because matter how hard Kai tried, he wasn't able to read other people's minds.

"What about you?" Beomgyu said after a while "does the rain make you feel sad?"

"Sort of" Kai mumbled.

"Hm, I used to feel the same, until I realized that thanks to it, I can see rainbows"

Kai furrowed his brows "I mean yeah, but that's only if the sun's there"

"You're right, they need each other. The rain is reminded there's sunlight and the sunlight acknowledge the rain and makes it better"

Kai turned his head around to face Beomgyu. Either he had lost the string of the conversation or the other was speaking about something entirely different "I don't think this is only about natural phenomenon, is it?"

Beomgyu trapped his lower lip between his lips and dropped his voice to a whisper "Kai, you need to confront Soobin"

Kai's senses suddenly spiked up at the mention of the other "Confront him? About what?"

"About whatever the fuck is causing him to lose his goddam mind"

Kai blinked in disbelief, then shook his head furiously "I can't do that hyung. He doesn't want to talk now, but he'll eventually come to us"

Beomgyu scoffed, sounding exasperated "Hueningkai, he _won't_ come to any of us because he thinks he can deal with everything on his own, because he'd rather drown by himself than becoming a burden. And you know that"

He did. But still…

"Hyung, if he didn't listen to a specialist, what makes you think he'll listen to me?"

Beomgyu's gaze softened as he reached for Kai's hand, holding it reassuringly "Didn't you listen to my cheesy metaphor? Huening, _you_ are his ray of sunshine, all he needs is for you to find the storm"

There was no time to process the words as the car's door swung open and a very hurried Taehyun stepped inside "Sorry to keep you waiting, we can leave now"

Kai didn't miss the way Taehyun's ever-observing eyes quickly glanced at how Beomgyu was holding his hand, yet made no comment about it.

As the van started to advance towards the company, Kai could feel the way his heartbeat sped up until he could hear it outside his ears.

Beomgyu was right, or at least partly right. While Kai wasn't sure he could be that one ray of sunshine for Soobin, he did know that this had to stop.

One way or the other, this would end today.

***

It was pouring down by the moment they stepped out of the car and into the company's building.

The weather, Kai was starting to speculate, must've had some power to sense and mirror his own emotions when he felt the most nervous or vulnerable, which of course was the case right now.

As much as Kai was resolute to push Soobin out of the box he had put himself inside of, it still was nerve-wracking to think of a way to do so without just making the box grow smaller and ending on cornering Soobin.

'I'm sorry to put this much burden upon your shoulders' Beomgyu had said to him very quietly on the elevator 'but I don't think any of us know what to do anymore'

It was okay, Kai had assured him, because as nervous and pressured as he felt, he also trusted himself enough to bring Soobin back to his senses and maybe even convince him to speak with an actual professional.

He realized, as he was changing into more comfortable clothes for their dance practice, that maybe he could've done this sooner, the whole 'intervention' thing, but he didn't know if it was the right course of action until Beomgyu, whom Kai dared to say knew Soobin as much as he did, brought it up.

All that was left to do now was to wait for a moment in which the two of them could be alone and then hope for the best.

***

The clock hit 9:00 pm by the moment their dance teacher dismissed them from, yet again, another exhausting day of practice. Kai fell on his knees with a thud, panting for air and reaching out for his bag to grab a bottle of water. The other three members mimicked him, all of them taking some minutes to recover.

Soobin had been dismissed much earlier due to the continuous mistakes he was making as well as forcing his body to go through their intense choreographies to the point of him almost fainting.

Surely everyone was worried, their teacher even suggested to cut their session short so that they all could take a break and look after Soobin, but the elder quickly denied and told them to keep going and finish while he took a break by himself. Their teacher seemed skeptical at first but Soobin somehow convinced her, leaving afterward for the lounge room, probably.

"You should go check up on him" Yeonjun sled by his side as he took another big gulp out of his bottle "Our manager just sent me a message that we'll be going home as soon as it stops pouring so hard outside"

"Okay, sure, I'll be right back with Soobin hyung then"

"By all means, _take your time_ " Yeonjun stressed the last words, obviously aware of Kai and Beomgyu's plan. The other must’ve filled him in.

Kai nodded in response and got up to his feet leaving the other three in the practice room. He took a deep breath once outside mentally preparing himself and then began to make his way towards the artist's lounge.

It took him no longer than five minutes to get there but was surprised when he typed in the code for the door and faced emptiness as he stepped inside the room. No signs of Soobin anywhere. It was weird since the elder would always come here whenever he decided to take a rest.

Kai thought for a second as to where the other might've gone after leaving their practice room and came empty until a certain bell rang in his head.

While the company had many spaces for them and their seniors to work on their particular stuff, there was one particular room that stood out from the rest and that was the professional recording studio, which was big enough to fit all members and even a whole band in the same space.

Kai had been there only a few times to completely focus on his music and to use it as a getaway spot since the room was rarely used. Kai figured that's exactly what Soobin had been thinking when heading there.

Once in front of the door, he hoped that he would find the elder here resting and not overworking himself again on his vocals or even practicing by himself.

Kai sighed internally as he typed the code but froze on the spot as the sound of painful crying reached his ears even through the soundproof walls and door.

_‘Not again. Not here.’_

Kai opened the door making sure to close it behind himself and found the curled-up figure on the couch that was Soobin shaking uncontrollably and _literally_ crying for help. Immediately, the younger's senses were on high alert and any thoughts he might've had disappeared in a matter of seconds leaving only room to make sure the other was okay.

"Hey, hey, Soobin? It's me, I'm here. You're not alone, I'm right here" Kai's words slipped out quite fast that not even him understood fully what he was saying.

He hugged the bigger body close to his chest, holding Soobin's hands with his own to keep them in place as he kept repeating the mantra he knew by memory to make the elder wake up from his nightmare.

Kai caressed his hair, held him tight, kept talking and talking in the calmest voice he could muster, sang in the most melodious tone...but it wasn't working.

The pleads leaving Soobin’s lips were repetitive, _'Don't touch me', 'Please don't', 'Stop'._

_'Help me'_

Kai was starting to grow desperate himself. Not being able to do anything more, he considered calling the others until he realized he didn't have his phone with him. 

"LET ME GO!" Soobin then screamed as he released himself from Kai's embrace, hitting the younger's stomach with his elbow and knocking the air out of him.

It took a few seconds to recover, but when he did, Kai looked straight ahead of him to face the horrified expression on Soobin's face. His eyes were open, but his gaze was unfocused as he looked at anything but Kai, his nightmare was probably still vivid and Soobin hadn’t even processed that he was no longer asleep.

Kai carefully reached out with his hand but Soobin swapped it away with way too much force which made the younger wince “Soobin, it’s me, Huening. I’m not going to hurt you…” He tried calling out for him instead.

Something must’ve clicked inside the elder’s head at the mention of his name because now he was looking intensely at Kai with _hurt_ written all over his eyes, the salty droplets not stopping for a second.

He was awake, a bit startled, but awake.

"Are you with me now?" Kai had to make sure. He reached out for Soobin again intending to wipe his tears away but was unable to since the other moved away, clearly not wanting to be touched.

"It's okay, I'm fine" Soobin tried his best to compose himself, but his voice was strained, and the tears kept falling down no matter how much he dried them with his sweater paw.

"Are you sure? You don't seem like it"

"I said I'm fine!"

It was the second time Soobin raised his voice to Kai and the uneasy feeling certainly wasn't welcomed, especially since this time Kai was sure he had done nothing but worry for the other.

Soobin seemed to notice that as well, instant regret visible in his eyes.

"Sorry, I'm not," A pause and then Soobin was on his feet walking out of the studio "I need to get some air"

Kai doubted whether if he should follow Soobin or wait until the other was calmed and preferably well-rested so that they could talk things through. However, his conversation with Beomgyu earlier made him realize that he had waited for way too long and the more time passed, the wall Soobin was building would keep on growing until it was too tall and dense to break. He would never have a good night's sleep or be completely relaxed until he let out whatever burden he had inside his mind, so Kai needed to act now.

As he exited the studio, he caught a glimpse of Soobin turning left on the corner, most likely heading for a balcony.

Kai was quick to catch up and as he opened the door to the outdoor space, he was met with the incessant noise the rain made as it hit the floor as well as some big plants that the roof didn't reach to cover up. By now, Kai was so used to hearing the rain that the sound was more like white noise to him.

Soobin was standing by one of the walls, not noticing Kai's presence even as the younger stepped closer and was able to hear the muffled sobbing. Kai suddenly felt ashamed having to corner Soobin while in such a vulnerable state, but if there was any chance of the other to speak truthfully, then this was it.

"Soobin…" The other turned around abruptly, looking pissed but with a hint of pain behind it all.

"Hueningkai, I said I'm fine! Please leave me alone"

Kai stepped even closer "You clearly aren't! For God's sake, look at you!"

If it was rare for Soobin to raise his voice, it was an anomaly for Kai to do it, but he wasn't about to stop himself.

"Something's bothering you and we all can tell. You're not eating, you're overworking yourself, you're driving your body and mind to a breaking point and all because you're scared!"

Kai didn't notice himself going forward, making Soobin step back until his back was against the edge of the balcony. The roof no longer covered them and soon enough they were soaking under the merciless rain.

There was a suffocating silence.

Kai's breathing became erratic while waiting for the other to stay something, _anything_ , but no words left Soobin's mouth.

The exhaustion was catching up to the younger after weeks of taking care of the other and right now, as he stood in front of the person he loved, watching him suffer in silence, Kai felt genuinely _desperate_ because he didn't know what to do anymore.

No matter how many twists and turns he gave to this whole situation, nothing made sense in his head for Soobin's behavior. He had been trying to look for the cause of it, even going as far as to recalling their trainee years just to spot the _one_ thing that might've triggered all of the terrors, but every single time his mind came up blank.

' _What was the reason? Why is he acting like this?'_

"What are you so afraid of?"

Kai's voice was hoarse. He knew the moment he felt it, that the warm water on his cheeks didn't belong to the rain.

"…I can't tell you"

It hurt.

That mere sentence, spoken in such a whisper that Kai was hardly able to hear, pierced through his heart and made much more damage than it should have.

_'I don't trust you enough to tell you'_

That's the way it had translated into the younger's mind.

"Fine, then don't" He didn't recognize his voice, monotone and so unlike him "Let's go back inside"

As he turned around, a shaky hand grabbed onto his drenched hoodie, making Kai stop in the spot, looking back at the other.

The broken expression on Soobin's face was way too strong that even he felt affected.

"Huening, I can't tell you because…then it would make it all real"

Having to witness the exact moment Soobin crumbled and fell to his knees as he choked on his sobs and tears, was overwhelming. Kai kneeled and embraced the elder in the most caring and comforting way that he could.

Soobin kept on crying with such _pain_ until he forced all the thoughts out of his troubled mind once and for all.

"I-i feel so alone. There are so many negative things going through my head, a-and all that my thoughts tell me is that I'm not good enough, that I'm not _me_ anymore, that I'm just a disappointment"

"Soobin, why would you-"

"I’m constantly checking up on every single thing that I do and never feel satisfied with anything. It feels like I'm pleasing everybody but myself, and…"

A pause and Kai could hear and feel how Soobin took a deep breath as he tried to continue "A-and…there are so many things about my past that are coming back now, about my _family_ , that I need to let out but I can't because…"

Soobin mumbled at the end of his sentence, not being able to say anything else related to the subject.

"I'm so sick of it, Kai. I'm really, _really_ , sick of holding it all in, and the little voice inside my head giving me ideas on how to stop it all is growing stronger" 

There was some heavy meaning to those few words that sunk like an anchor in Kai's chest, he felt the helplessness rise up within him since there was not a thing that he could do to make it better for Soobin. He needed help, professional and _reliable_ help, not the encouraging words of a teenager who knew just as much about life as the other.

It didn't need to come to this, they could've avoided it all, but it was too late now as Soobin was having a mental breakdown and the pain in his body and mind had reached its limit.

Kai wondered if he could heal at least any part of it.

"I didn't know you were hurting so much…" His mouth started moving on its own, running itself "I wish I could've seen it sooner and I wish I could take it all away"

He left a kiss on the crown of Soobin's head as he kept on emptying his own exhausted mind "Soobin, I don't want you to hurt yourself, cause if _anything_ were to happen to you-"

No, he didn't even want to picture it.

A quiet sob escaped him as he continued to leave pecks on the other's forehead, his temples, his cold cheeks. When he stopped, he noticed the sad and tired eyes Soobin was giving him, but still with something else in them.

Kai wasn't sure what he was doing anymore, but he let his instinct take over as he pressed his forehead against Soobin's, placing his hands on the elder's nape and neck.

"You're not alone Soobin, I'm right here"

A beat.

Two beats.

"I know"

Kai didn't lean in. Soobin did.

It was strange at first, having someone else's lips on his own. As he slowly processed what was happening, Kai's heart started beating violently almost bursting out of his chest, his hands felt clammy and his body jittery.

Out of all the ways he pictured how his first kiss would be, certainly, this wasn't one of them.

Kai's response to the kiss was delayed, but as he started moving clumsily against Soobin's mouth, suddenly it all felt _real_.

Soobin kissed him.

The person he loved, was kissing him like he meant it.

Maybe he did.

However, when Soobin backed away abruptly, replacing the warmth on the younger's face for cold raindrops, Kai felt reality hit like a punch in his gut.

This was wrong. They were in a public space where somebody could walk in on them any moment and not only that, but Soobin was still in a very vulnerable position, and adding any more feelings to the mix could only make things worse. Kai was making it worse.

How could he-

"Hey, hey, Huening, it's okay. You did nothing wrong, it's okay"

Soobin reassured him as he held Kai's face with both hands, but the younger still felt uneasy.

"Why did you do it?" Kai tried his best to look at anything but the elder. He was confused.

Soobin looked up at the grey sky as he ran both hands through his face and took a deep breath. Once his gaze lowered again, he looked at Kai straight in the eyes and caressed the younger's cheek with a gentle finger.

"There are so many things that are wrong inside of me right now"

Kai wanted to interject, but a finger was pressed against his lips and he swallowed down his intrusive thoughts, allowing Soobin to continue.

"But I've told you this before" If it was possible, Soobin pressed his body closer to Kai's "You're my safe place, the only one that can shadow all of the negatives"

"I don't want to hurt you but still I'm selfish enough to keep you around me whenever I feel it's all too much, b-because you can light it all up. Ever since we met, it's always been you"

_'You're his ray of sunshine'_

_Oh_

Something had been let out without being spoken and the realization hit hard. This was it. Not the perfect moment, but _the moment_.

"Soobin" Kai whispered just a breath away from the other's lips "I love you"

This time, the kiss wasn't filled with doubt but pure and raw emotion. Every single thing Kai had felt throughout the years, the excitement, nervousness, care, _love_ , it was all poured into such a simple action.

Kai wasn't one to be vulnerable around others, but right now, he was bearing himself completely so that Soobin could almost see and touch the love Kai felt for him.

When the lack of air became bothersome, Kai backed away only a little not opening his eyes right away, afraid that if he did, he'd wake up in his room only to realize that this was all a dream. However, Soobin's voice was enough to tell him that this was very real.

"Huening"

Kai felt a hand lifting his chin as he slowly opened his eyes and was met with Soobin's glazed ones. The furious blush didn't go unnoticed, more so when Kai felt his own cheeks burning all over.

"You don't have to say anything, not right now" Kai said in a gentle tone and Soobin appeared thankful for it "Our priority is to get you some proper help first. And through it all…"

Kai then embraced the elder with all his might. The rain had become nothing but a gentle and cold breeze around them, the sky was clearing and the dim yellow light from behind the clouds contrasted beautifully with the grey.

"I'll love you like you've never felt the pain"

_‘I promise’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ᕕ┌◕ᗜ◕┐ᕗ 
> 
> AKSJSJKASJKAJSAKJS I RRLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, I WROTE THIS BUT I STILL SCREAMED WHEN KAI CONFESED JSJSJSJSJSJS
> 
> Whew! So there it is! Now, i'm abt to ramble a little so if you wanna skip this it's fine! hehe
> 
> So, as i said in the beggining, i had quite the hard time writing this particular chapter and here's why: I didn't want anybody to think of Soobin's behaviour or ANYTHING as an 'overreaction'. If you did, let me explain why it isn't.   
> When it comes to someone's mind, you'll find that a whole new world lives inside of everery single one of us. Therefore, based off on our experiences, perception and many other things, we proccess things differently. I'm sure most of you know that, but are you genuinely aware of it?   
> Remember that throughout this fic, we've only seen things from Kai's POV. I've never dwelved into Soobin's own personal struggles. That's why Kai is so confused with Soobin's mood swings and all; because he doesn't know just how powerful the mind of someone with depression can be. 
> 
> You know how they always say that mental illnessess can look like a smile on the happiest person on earth. So yeah, there's that.
> 
> I truly wanted to put that into words, the perspective of an outsider, and i hope i somehow managed to do so! 
> 
> There's still one chapter left, so don't worry about the little holes that may appear because everything will be solved! 
> 
> ANYGAYS,,,I'll stop with my rambling and I'll see you guys soon! Thanks again for the support and sweet comments, they really make my day! <3

**Author's Note:**

> any fellow writers who feel butterflies whenever they write certain scenes? BC I SURE DO KSJSKJSKJJS See you in the next chapter!


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